小咋姆n 小霸王！

我最讨厌我自己了。
每次都弄我朋友生气！！
很想打自己！！
:S

我要法自己，弄她气，就要。 。 hmm..
i'll let her decide..to buy somethin for her..
if i dun get to save, serve me right.
Super angry w myself..but i jus love ah boi oso..
Haiz..but stoopid me lar.
y make such a brainless comment..so RUDE lor!
Slap myself...

Hope TW trip will be nice n enjoyable!!
小霸王，希望能遇见你们！！！ :D

15 May 2010

在今天的之前，我还很害怕她会sms我叫我别和他们一起看戏。也怕在Alice's 那儿，她不会跟我说任何话。我都错了。我想多了。
是开心的。但心里又担心。

我就是这样茅盾。
可是如果我不想多，也可见我对这件事的严重性。

开心of cos是她有应我，说话。但我们好像就淡不到几句。

是我自己在害怕。是的。因为我每什么脸去要求她做些什么回应。
可是，我又不想miss any chance of speaking to her..

她一值是保持着proactive 的状态。
我想，因该是她不想对我太好了。她每次说我会得寸进尺。:(

我不会的！但我不想她在以为我每次要dictate 她。我不要她不开心。或需她只想保护自己。
我活该。

这一次，she did not reply to any of my apology smses..我不懂这代表什么。

我剪了一个“阿蠢”头回来了。。是在开玩笑吧。
anyway, like what she used to tell me: Let nature takes it's course..

我会努力，不会悔心得。

Robin Hood 里的一句：let us rise and rise, till the lambs become lions. (never give up)

Fren..pls give me a chance..our frenship will last till the end de..

希望ah boi 没事。。 我好想它。。。

drEam..

everyday's routine- i wake up, i prepare for work den wait for bus..listen to music but actually listening to other voices..slp on bus, dream of stuffs..alighted and i will call her..i know she won't answer, but i just wana call..my hopes are still high..at least i tried..i know i won't regret.. im still e same stupid fren whom she knows and knew..
work is hell lately, i can oni go toilet maybe once per day, go lunch, den mayb another time..never ending work, but hacked and hell with them!
i'll go off latest at 630pm..sometimes i wonder, when did i ever make a right decision?i'm such a failure..i cannot do anything right, yet i'm always complaining..i can't even be guai guai de..always making pple angry.. i'm jus being very spoilt..making alot of pple unhappy..wat is happening?
i go home on time, have dinner, sometimes i jus say i had mine le..my mama asked qns..what should i say?i dun even want to think wat have happened though those voices are always there to remind me every second..
i wanted to know how is her..is she happy w work or stuffs, beside i know the fact that she is angry with me..i wanted to know but i dun dare..it jus feel terrible..
i'm always guessing ..i dun like.
i tell myself, mayb i shld be like her too..like what Ber says, jus ignore let her be will do..
if only i can care less..but i can't.
i really love my fren..i cant possibly act like nothin have happened and jus let things be..moreover i am the caused of it..i should bear responsibilites and go through all these..
To some, its nothing terrible n bad..jus ignoring u mah..but to me, i dunno y..i will jus feel scared.i'm a scaredy cat..whenever i dunno wat to do, i will jus hide..i will jus slp..
i can slp whole day, cause i know my dream will be better den reality..but reality hurts..jus like wat i always dream of..that nobody has ever left..everyone is still with me.when i wakes up, this is the kind of pain which is most unbearable..
i hope all this will end soon and someone will answer to my years of prayer..i jus wish to grow old together with her, be her fren till the day i die.. :(

Actions and Consequences

i think i'm being a spoilt brat..no wonder my fren says she cannot stand me anymore.
Y am i being so Ren Xing ne?
i dun have the rights to do so..

My fren is right to ignore me and be angry with me..
i should stop asking her to stop being angry with me..i should not take away her rights from doing so
My fren is doing the right thing..when you love your friend, you protray tolerance but not indulgence..
If she is not angry with me or if she don't ignore me like what she is doing now, i would not learn right?
She loves me..she treats me as her friend..she dun wana me to be a disgrace, she wants me to learn..but i'm just too stupid.
I'm really a stupid fren..y am i doing this time and time again to make my fren disappointed?

I'm ashamed to sms or talk to her actually..but another side of me just do not wish to lose any contact with her..
My mind is in a struggle..
I even have the urge to sms her to ignore me, cos i deserved it..but i just cannot do it..how?

One must learn to answer to one's action..this is act of a mature adult
I should face up to the truth.
Truth is, i did something bad, and i should be brave to admit it and accept the consequences.
Life is hard..and life is even harder when you lose your fren..
But who can i blame but myself?

阿麼，求求你帮帮我好吗？我好害怕。。

伤心。。对不起

以前我就有问过自己这个问题--为什么大多数会写日记时，是当我不开心时。
我想到答案了。
因为我每次不开心时，我没有朋友能述苦，因为每次我会不开心，正因为我把我的唯一的朋友弄伤了，弄火了。我活该，不是吗？

我也不明白，为什么她对我的容忍量是这么的少。
她说是累积的。那是不是在告诉我，这10年来，我所做的一切，她不开心不满意的胜过我的好。。也许这只是我太高估自己了。完全根本一开始都没什么好的吧。。

昨天她所说的一切，一值在我脑海里不停的从复。就好像坏掉的casette,不过播的是伤心的片曲。
我觉的她正处于在很痛苦之中。明明就很受不了我，但却又是我的朋友，我的姐姐。。

问题出现在那里？我为什么找不到呢？应该就是因为这样，我一直一次又一次的伤害她。
我越在乎的事或人，越想保护并一直守住的，往往越没办法办到。反而弄巧反搓的机率很高。

我昨天真的是很伤心。一直跟自己说不要哭，但眼泪就不由自举的一直流。我不是在博取任何东西，相信我，我只是真的真的很想哭。心里真的是很痛。也顾不了型像了。

i did wat i did yest not out of disrespect, i hope u wun lump everything together.
showing disrespect is not jus 1 or 2 incidents n u concluded it de..u shld b able to feel who respect u n who dun in ur life.u shld b able to know who is genuinuely respecting u n who isnt..y am i sentenced jus becos of tt?do u really have to do so fren?
who do not make mistake?everyone does..i might make more den others..but i do things based on concience and i dare say i've always treated u with my upmost respect, trust, love..i have the courage to admit my mistake, n apologise to u.i said i wld change n i realli put in my heart to do so..

i admit i'm always the one who disappoint u e most too..i'm sorry.

请你不要很轻易的就说不要我。这些话说了出口，只会扩大对大家的伤害。我一只深信，你是因为生气，才会说出口的。我们可以一直好好的下去好吗？
我们是朋友，是姐妹，不是情人，因该没有break up的对吗？

我最恨的人，是你，刘蕙冰。如果你的existence只会带来不开心给你身边爱护你的家人和朋友，那你真的是好无价值的一个人。为什么你就不能像ella，做一个照明灯，只把欢乐和笑声带给大家呢？

Monday

Boo Hoo Hoo Boo Hoo Hoo~~
My fren is going to be away for 5days..on business trip to penang..
sounds exciting..but she sure looks abit stressed.
Hope everything goes well and smoothly for her there...hope to hear from her..

Stupid me..make some very er xin remarks on Sat..haiz.
Y i made such comments?though its nt meant to anger her and really what i felt, but my tone and the way i bring it across it not too nice or appropriate.,..that's y i angered her..
However she made me search high and low for her for near to an hr..an hr..at 1st i was sad, cos she's ignoring me..then i was worried, cos i lost her, then it got me all so panicky and angry..yes i was really angry..

Dunno y i felt that way, but i was just v v v v v V V ANGRY w myself..
i hate myself to the core..for not being myself..for not expressing wat i should be doing, for doing all these stuffs to anger my fren...for being an idiot walking round the mall..for thinking that my fren dun care or dun wan me le..haiz :(

anyway, the most angry part about myself is, i choose the day before she left penang to anger her..realli feel like killing myself.. :_(

Anyway, i tink i love my fren too much to be angry w her..in the 1st place, it was all my fault.
i've known her so long..i shld have known wat to do wat to said and wat not to..
Sorry Fren..
*******************************************************

Today is a v suai day..
morning i was not in time to reach my fren..
no chance to speak to her..hey but wait, she called me this morning when she was in the duty free shop..hee..Thanks fren~~

Kena a few complaint case..worked like hell till 7pm..only to find out 502 dun operate and stop at far east there le..sigh.
got home only 830pm..sian..

Felt so suai and powerless without fren arnd..
and tdy is just the 1st day.. :(
*********************************************************

I really like Ella day by day,..and im really excited with my fren's suggestion.
To go taiwan for 2 months, at Ping Tung..haha!
Ella is there..i realli love to know her..know her can le, cos i got no room for another fren in me...jus like how i like Elmo, i can only have max 2 in my bed..hehe.
**********************************************************

Hope everything will turn out fine for me too..hope my fren will forgive me and dun be angry with me le..hope papa and mama healthy n happy, hope jie jie and minghui happy oso..hope me n fren oso happy de~~together happy together! hee~ :D

Nonsense~~

*******************************************************************************

Friday, January 15, 2010

if u happen to read this, don't question me.
sometimes, i feel that i shouldn't ask things that i want to know cos i dun have the right to.
sometimes, i feel it's easier for u to talk to others than to me.
sometimes, i wish that i wont have to taste disapointment.
sometimes, i jus have millions of thoughts jumping out at me.
Posted by ~ CATHERINE ~ at 10:43 PM 0 comments
*********************************************************************************

Happen to see this post from someone's blog..haha.

strange sia..sometimes i feel this way too..but i just dunno how to pen them down like how this blogger does..simple words and sentences..i just dunno how..

just know how to talk alot of nonsense, all not making senses, yet everytime making pple arnd me angry, upset and mistaking me.. :S

I'm sorry fren..for making you angry..but i really dun mean it..

I just hate it when i did things to make my fren unhappy..pls let me be the last to make her unhappy even if i cant make her happy.. **PRAY**

Sorry..

When we are ANGRY, our hearts drift apart. To mask the DISTANCE we felt, we instinctively SHOUT instead of speak so the other party can hear us.

But as we SHOUT, we get ANGRIER. And we felt we drift apart further. So we SHOUT even louder...

It is the opposite when we are in love. Not only we do not shout, we whisper into each other ears. Why?

This is because our hearts are very close, almost never apart. As our love deepen, we reach a state of communication where there is no need for words.

We understand each other well enough just by exchanging look.

Therefore, when we are arguing, DO NOT speak words that will make our hearts drift apart. WAIT a few days. When you feel your hearts are no longer far apart, pick up the conversation and continue from there.

----extracted from a blog..v well written indeed..i should have learnt the lesson, sorry fren..i shouldnt have shouted..i'm sorry____-------------

Sorry Fren..again n again..Sorry..

Dunno wats wrong lately..
Things just dun go thta well for me..
The worst is: i made my fren angry again!!

Y did i do that?
Y did i lose my cool?
Y did i feel unfair?
Y did i make her feel so negatively abt the things i do and say?
Y didnt i try to control the situation and make it better and not worse??
Y y y Y Y y y ?? alot of qns in my mind..!!!
I jus dun understand y my fren tinks i dun wana drive..

she hates me..
she hates my look..
she hates my voice..
she hates my behaviour..
she hates every bit of me..
she just cant stand a min of me..
I hate it when i make her feel this way..
Y m i such a failure??

I cant even talk to her nicely whenever misunderstandin arise..
I cant even get her to hear me out..
I cant even convince her that i dun mean that way that she feel..
I cant even get her to cool down for a second to hear me out..
I jus cant do anything..
I cant even be understanding when she's feelin so tired..
Y m i such a bad fren??

Wat went wrong??
Im afraid she will ignore me again..
Im afraid she will be angry w me..
Im afraid she will be disappointed w me..
Im afraid she tinks i've done tt on purpose..
Im afraid she wun fren me anymore..
Im afraid she will disappear fr my life again..
Im afraid..

Wat shld i do??
I'm once again feelin lost..
I'm once again feelin sad..
I'm once again feelin all the unhappiness that i ever felt again long time back..
I'm once again feelin afraid..
I'm once again feelin insecure..
I'm once again not feelin my existence again...

I hope my fren will not be angry w me le..
I hope my fren dun mean what she said yesterday inside the car..
I hope my fren will cool down and talk to me soon..
I hope we can have a happy autumm festival together..
I hope i can attend my 1st piano class w my fren happily tomorrow..
I hope my fren will fren me again soon..

Plss...someone pls help me..
Ah fren, can u pls dun b angry w me??
I cannot afford to lose u de..u are already my forever fren..wat shld i do to maintain tis 'forever' promise??

I'll do anythin to make u happy again..dun disappear fr my life..

...

I'm going Bangkok again with my dearest fren and Ber in another 5 more days!!

Realli excited about the whole things..yet m sian..full of regrets..

Y mus i make my fren unhappy??sigh~

She ignored me again..for the whole week..

But yest she replied my sms..heh..i was like, SO HAPPY LOr!!

I thought everything will b fine again... .....

Budden yest dinner, i did something tt made her unhappy again..

I helped her ordered something which she don't like to eat..n she made some comments that realli makes feel sad n hurt~~

Unhappy..cos the things that i do just don't make her happy..

We never talked much to each other yesterday, she don't even feel like talkin to me..at least, that's wat i feel..

I missed the chance to do 'grocery shopping' for BKK trip with her tis time round..

I missed just alot of stuffs..i always regretted the things i did to make her unhappy or angry..

But she will always really really make me REGRET BIG TIME for the things i've done..

I jus felt and feel miserable now.. what should i do??

I realli love my fren..for who she is..but all these is getting too hard for me to bear..

I just cant take it when she ignores me,

I just cant take it when she treats me like a nobody..

I just cant be myself when she is unhappy w me..

I'm lost manz..realli lost..

She's just like my torch in my life, w/o her, i'm lost in darkness..

I hope everything will be back to normal..

Fren, pls forgive me and accept me as ur fren, for who i am..

i know u have been doing a fantastic job in this area, cld u pls do it one more time for me??

Regrets..sOrRy

I realli did it again..
I made her angry again..
I am best at making her angry i tink..
Why do i have to say those things??
I realli regretted that..
I shouldn't have said all those, made those silly comments..
I so fucking regret what i've done...

Can i go reverse time and go back to that day??
I swear i won't do the same thing le..
I missed out too much these days..
I missed her too much le...

I'm sorry fren..once again..I'm sorry..

Hope everything will be fine soon..i wana go BKK w u on a v v happy mode/mood de.. :(

不开心的第七天。。。

I'm feeling so unhappy...unhappy about alot of stuffs..
The problem lies with me..
I'm sorry to upset my dearest fren

Yr 2009, Ox year~CNY

Happy Chinese Year to all!!

This is the year of Ox..gosh ~ i'm this old le..

They say year of Ox isnt very good, as per past experiences from the seniors..i cant help but agree too..

I created some stupid stunts, or to say, i did somethin really dumb to irritate my fren again..y m i doin so??i dunno myself..i jus feel so dumb n stupid..i cant believe i made her angry again..

for that instance, i felt like killing myself..each time i made her this angry, i realli feel like dying..

sometimes i jus dun understand, y your tolerance to me is so limited..

but actually its the other way round..the truth is, u r being very great, being my fren for so many yrs, giving in to me time n time again..putting up with my nonsense years after years..

sometimes i cant stand myself too..i feel so shameless to ask for her forgivesness for the umpteen times..but i jus cant help it too..i really need her as my fren..i cant lose her..she's my Only Fren..

if u ever get the chance to see this post fren, i sincerely wld like to apologise for all the bad things i've done to you, the worst senarios i've put u in, the kind of exasperation i've given you..i'm shameful, but i really can go on with the list..sigh~

thanks for putting up w me...i promise i will do my best not to do all these again..

the last thing i wld wana do is to lose u, to make u angry w me again..i swear i wun do it anymore..

i realli hope she will give me another chance..i wan her as my fren for life de..till e day we grow old and die..

i'm thankful for the kind soul i met on the way too, for the things she did, to try to make us patch up.

you wun know im refering to u, but i'll rem wat u've done for me gal..i'll rem and will ret u the favour..will doubled the favours ..truly grateful to u..

this year realli din start off nicely for me..same as per 4-5 years back ba..

but i have faith in u fren..not that im taking you for granted, taking oour frenship for granted..

i know u like to b fren w me too..jus tt im way too disappointing le..i knew that myself..

sorry fren.

give me a chance, i'll treasure this chance.

pls almightly gods, pls help me this time too..i really need all your blessings..