21.11.12

Im beginning to have better appetite..but dunno izit i cannot eat too much still. Everytime after i ate slightly more, i feel discomfort in my tummy n even LS today.
I finally went lunch w my min sis today after so long..together w Sasa. M happy to see them both and lunch w them.. Sasa told min sis that im always so happy. Min sis said thats cos Sasa has not seen me when im sad.. Y wld i wana let others know im sad? I oso wana protect..i dun wish pple to probe..cos i know if they do, i cannot hold back my tears.. n this will lead to more n more probing which i do not wish to. This is my only way to protect myself, and my min sis.. Im not happy, but wat can i do? I dun even wan min sis to know im not happy..i wan her to ease her mind off me, so that she can conc on the stuffs she wana do. Work, n that person, n family n many other stuffs. Her world does not revolve round me only..i understand.
After the dream, i started to set lesser expectations..i realised expectations are what gives you the most disappointments.. Im not happy, im not. But wat can i do? Life goes on..nobody will die from sadness..
Min sis asked me y i can be gd fren w Ber. I dunno cos i hv never thought if it.. I tink it jus came naturally.. But after pondering for awhile, i realised its cos of Min sis..who else?
She set the stage well for us to know each other, n we have gd impressions of each other..We spent time w each other, take care of each other, travel cum shopping mates for years n share gossips like any other girl friends will do.. We meet each other almost every week..I like bernice cos i tink she is worthy of my frenship. Though she has alot of flaws, but who does not? I see her sincerity..most impt, sometimes from her, i find the things that im lacking, even the feeling (sad n happy) that im feeling when im w Min sis. Im always grateful to those who appeared in my life, lend a helping hand lifting me up during my dull days.. I'll rem them for life.. (the gd kind) Most imptly, I see her treating min sis w a sincere heart before..at least thats what i feel.
But im curious, did min sis tell her the same thing abt our history like she told that person now? If yes, i tink Ber has got a really open heart, willing to accept. If no, thats the way to begin w since its all history,Y bring it up?
Im happy for Ber that she has found her love n had a family of her own now.. :) fr the bottom of my heart..
Same goes for my Min sis..i sincerely hope she will be happy w what she has now.. n feel loved.
Its time for me to do the same, n i hope i get the same blessings from my dearest frens too..

17.11.12

Stayed over at Mimi's Plc on Friday. Happy yet dunno how to describe the feelin. I hope we can still be the same us. However every now and then im kinda reminded of our watsapp. Is that person unhappy w my sis cos I stayed over? Is my sis unhappy cos of of my stay over? Y she always says that person 'might' or 'allow' her to meet? I wana know yet doesn't wana ask.But i tink they are happy together.. I hope we are happy always. I hope Mimi is happy too. Whole day w May n Sharon n frens. Should be v occupied and enjoyable de..But y m i tinkin of wat she is doin n whether she is happy now? Hope she is. Missing her in my plans.

只要。 。 开心。。

好久没看到那个白白臭臭的。。好想念它。
sniff sniff sniff..gg crazy soon le..
ah boi 你还好吗？有想想我吗？
sniff sniff sniff...

最近好像不是很好。。我的朋友也好不开心。。。
我好担心，但我想她不会要我这样为她担心。
她自己一个人能承担吗？
我好想帮她。。因为我要我的朋友开心。
我也不想3个人的友情有什么变化，但如果实事是这个样，我会always be there for her to support her 的，to tide her through the rough patches if any..

我只想单纯的要她开心，我只想做她一辈子的朋友。
希望我们不要在有争吵了。。

Hope we will have more luck, better luck..must find a better and higher pay job soon!
I wana go Taiwan, Australia, alot of places!! together with you and with my family..hee~

*pray*

15 May 2010

在今天的之前，我还很害怕她会sms我叫我别和他们一起看戏。也怕在Alice's 那儿，她不会跟我说任何话。我都错了。我想多了。
是开心的。但心里又担心。

我就是这样茅盾。
可是如果我不想多，也可见我对这件事的严重性。

开心of cos是她有应我，说话。但我们好像就淡不到几句。

是我自己在害怕。是的。因为我每什么脸去要求她做些什么回应。
可是，我又不想miss any chance of speaking to her..

她一值是保持着proactive 的状态。
我想，因该是她不想对我太好了。她每次说我会得寸进尺。:(

我不会的！但我不想她在以为我每次要dictate 她。我不要她不开心。或需她只想保护自己。
我活该。

这一次，she did not reply to any of my apology smses..我不懂这代表什么。

我剪了一个“阿蠢”头回来了。。是在开玩笑吧。
anyway, like what she used to tell me: Let nature takes it's course..

我会努力，不会悔心得。

Robin Hood 里的一句：let us rise and rise, till the lambs become lions. (never give up)

Fren..pls give me a chance..our frenship will last till the end de..

希望ah boi 没事。。 我好想它。。。

Monday

Boo Hoo Hoo Boo Hoo Hoo~~
My fren is going to be away for 5days..on business trip to penang..
sounds exciting..but she sure looks abit stressed.
Hope everything goes well and smoothly for her there...hope to hear from her..

Stupid me..make some very er xin remarks on Sat..haiz.
Y i made such comments?though its nt meant to anger her and really what i felt, but my tone and the way i bring it across it not too nice or appropriate.,..that's y i angered her..
However she made me search high and low for her for near to an hr..an hr..at 1st i was sad, cos she's ignoring me..then i was worried, cos i lost her, then it got me all so panicky and angry..yes i was really angry..

Dunno y i felt that way, but i was just v v v v v V V ANGRY w myself..
i hate myself to the core..for not being myself..for not expressing wat i should be doing, for doing all these stuffs to anger my fren...for being an idiot walking round the mall..for thinking that my fren dun care or dun wan me le..haiz :(

anyway, the most angry part about myself is, i choose the day before she left penang to anger her..realli feel like killing myself.. :_(

Anyway, i tink i love my fren too much to be angry w her..in the 1st place, it was all my fault.
i've known her so long..i shld have known wat to do wat to said and wat not to..
Sorry Fren..
*******************************************************

Today is a v suai day..
morning i was not in time to reach my fren..
no chance to speak to her..hey but wait, she called me this morning when she was in the duty free shop..hee..Thanks fren~~

Kena a few complaint case..worked like hell till 7pm..only to find out 502 dun operate and stop at far east there le..sigh.
got home only 830pm..sian..

Felt so suai and powerless without fren arnd..
and tdy is just the 1st day.. :(
*********************************************************

I really like Ella day by day,..and im really excited with my fren's suggestion.
To go taiwan for 2 months, at Ping Tung..haha!
Ella is there..i realli love to know her..know her can le, cos i got no room for another fren in me...jus like how i like Elmo, i can only have max 2 in my bed..hehe.
**********************************************************

Hope everything will turn out fine for me too..hope my fren will forgive me and dun be angry with me le..hope papa and mama healthy n happy, hope jie jie and minghui happy oso..hope me n fren oso happy de~~together happy together! hee~ :D

mIsSin e cOokIe mOnSteR...Elmo's fren..

aiya..the post that i wrote all gone..dunno y leh..

anyway i was rattling over how i'm gonna so miss my dear fren..gonna MISS HER MISS HER MISS HER MISS HER SOOOOOO MUCH!!

But i dun tink she is going to call me..cos it's ex..hmm..
Nvm, i'm still going to miss her..haha.i dun need a gingko nut to remember this feelin~ geez..

Excited that she is going on her 1st business trip..hope it'll b a fun and fruitful one for her..heh..But i tink she feels excited at 1st, den slowly moving towards feelin stressed up..aiya, ah fren, u can do it de la..
jus anyhow do, jus b urself..u r chosen cos u r who u r!!
Getting old le my fren, bad memory..hehehe

Im gonna start to count down le..gonna stay home everyday after work to practice piano, till the day u are back on Friday..Love ya lots fren!! cya soon!! :D

MC

I took my 1st MC today..after i moved on to Offshore.
Hmm..a sign that i'm tired~
Initially i only planned to take to take a break, still having second thoughts dunno whether should really take anot.
However after yesterday's dinner with Scott and friends, really kena indigestion, stomach pain..
This morning woke up with stomach upset, went LS..decided to stay home, see doc, take mc rest..
Things happen for a reason i guess..haha
Din regret my decision for the day..haha.had a really gd time/rest today.. :D

Feels lousy at work..dun really like the job context..
boring,meaningless, not something that i like..
counting down to next change of job..ARM..hope i dun need to wait 18mths for that..sigh~

i have thoughts and ideas, but they are always incomplete..
Thanks to my fren, for always completing what is always in my mind, my sentences, my thoughts..
Only w her help, i'm able to know what is really going on my mind.
haha..yes, i'm this lousy without her..
what is wrong w me..feels like dying..
i dreamt of my ah ma again this morning..i saw her, but she claimed she's not her..
i see her, its her..i couldnt b mistaken..or could it be a sign that i'm losing my memory..my memory of her..??
i wouldnt want that to happen..what is happening to me?my brain seems nt able to function very well these days..im seriously worried..

i know im feelin this way, this anxiety over nothing and mood swing all becos of the stupid monthly affairs..hope this feelin will go away soon.

all is gd all is gd all is gd all is gd all is going to be fine..

SMS fr her..fr the past....

I happened to come across this sms which i extracted from my N70 phone

-----U'll always say sorry to me when u are feeling insecured, that i'll leave u...u making all these very hard for me. At times, i really do not know what to do...-----

When did she sms me this?

y m i always feeling insecured..?

Y do i make her feel this way?

I mus do somethin abt it..she is my fren..she is supposed to feel jus happy being w me, definately nt this way..

-_-: :(

Sorry Fren..again n again..Sorry..

Dunno wats wrong lately..
Things just dun go thta well for me..
The worst is: i made my fren angry again!!

Y did i do that?
Y did i lose my cool?
Y did i feel unfair?
Y did i make her feel so negatively abt the things i do and say?
Y didnt i try to control the situation and make it better and not worse??
Y y y Y Y y y ?? alot of qns in my mind..!!!
I jus dun understand y my fren tinks i dun wana drive..

she hates me..
she hates my look..
she hates my voice..
she hates my behaviour..
she hates every bit of me..
she just cant stand a min of me..
I hate it when i make her feel this way..
Y m i such a failure??

I cant even talk to her nicely whenever misunderstandin arise..
I cant even get her to hear me out..
I cant even convince her that i dun mean that way that she feel..
I cant even get her to cool down for a second to hear me out..
I jus cant do anything..
I cant even be understanding when she's feelin so tired..
Y m i such a bad fren??

Wat went wrong??
Im afraid she will ignore me again..
Im afraid she will be angry w me..
Im afraid she will be disappointed w me..
Im afraid she tinks i've done tt on purpose..
Im afraid she wun fren me anymore..
Im afraid she will disappear fr my life again..
Im afraid..

Wat shld i do??
I'm once again feelin lost..
I'm once again feelin sad..
I'm once again feelin all the unhappiness that i ever felt again long time back..
I'm once again feelin afraid..
I'm once again feelin insecure..
I'm once again not feelin my existence again...

I hope my fren will not be angry w me le..
I hope my fren dun mean what she said yesterday inside the car..
I hope my fren will cool down and talk to me soon..
I hope we can have a happy autumm festival together..
I hope i can attend my 1st piano class w my fren happily tomorrow..
I hope my fren will fren me again soon..

Plss...someone pls help me..
Ah fren, can u pls dun b angry w me??
I cannot afford to lose u de..u are already my forever fren..wat shld i do to maintain tis 'forever' promise??

I'll do anythin to make u happy again..dun disappear fr my life..

刘力扬-寂寞光年

是谁从我天空摘走了星星
一转眼 眉头聚满乌云从来
快乐悲伤都自己横行
忘了我 也值得被关心

一双手 一个梦
一路上不断的俯冲
痛到忘了要怎么 喊痛

漫长的寂寞 淹没我的难过
我的世界 是零下的沙漠
其实我也想要拥抱的温柔
融化这颗坚强的泡沫

漫长的等候 让人特别失落
锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
还有谁能够紧握着我的手
陪着我期待 消失的彩虹

是谁将阳光都剪成了雨滴
天灰了 快乐总有限期
从来都陷在孤独的流沙里
忘了我 也配被人在意

一个人 一直走
看着梦像做了又空
精疲力尽有没有哪里可以停泊

漫长的寂寞 淹没我的难过
我的世界 是零下的沙漠
其实我也想有拥抱的温柔
融化这颗坚强的泡沫

漫长的等候 让人特别失落
锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
还有谁能够紧握着我的手
陪着我期待 消失的彩虹

那是谁的温柔留在我的小手微不足道却那么重
漫长的寂寞把意志都吞没整个世界是沉默的漩涡有谁能陪我手牵着手出走带我离开空洞的星球
还有什么值得追求还有什么可以拥有把怀抱借给我是不是就不再颤抖有谁能带走这美丽的哀愁能让我相信被爱的理由

Some Pics of the Stuffs i bought from Bangkok :)

Some pics of the stuffs that i bought from my Bangkok trip..

Check it out~~

More pics to come..hee.

HapPy BiRThDaY FrEN!!!

I wana post some photos..realli excited cos this BKK trip is meant to celebrate my Fren's BDAE.. It's oso the 10th BDAE i've celebrated w her.. Woah~ How time flies!! hahah...

Haven gt much 灵感 for her present.. In e end i got her a key chain..from AGNES B. :)

The Packaging
Opening the Box

Heh..hope she likes it..!! ;)

Anyway this is not the actual present for her la..Cos we already agreed to get her a new specs lo..Just that she haven gt the time to look around for it nia~

heh..i realli hope we will enjoy this upcomin trip and have a wonderful time!! Full 6days! whee!!!

away from work, away from SG!! yeah!!

HapPY bIRthDaY fREn!!

...

I'm going Bangkok again with my dearest fren and Ber in another 5 more days!!

Realli excited about the whole things..yet m sian..full of regrets..

Y mus i make my fren unhappy??sigh~

She ignored me again..for the whole week..

But yest she replied my sms..heh..i was like, SO HAPPY LOr!!

I thought everything will b fine again... .....

Budden yest dinner, i did something tt made her unhappy again..

I helped her ordered something which she don't like to eat..n she made some comments that realli makes feel sad n hurt~~

Unhappy..cos the things that i do just don't make her happy..

We never talked much to each other yesterday, she don't even feel like talkin to me..at least, that's wat i feel..

I missed the chance to do 'grocery shopping' for BKK trip with her tis time round..

I missed just alot of stuffs..i always regretted the things i did to make her unhappy or angry..

But she will always really really make me REGRET BIG TIME for the things i've done..

I jus felt and feel miserable now.. what should i do??

I realli love my fren..for who she is..but all these is getting too hard for me to bear..

I just cant take it when she ignores me,

I just cant take it when she treats me like a nobody..

I just cant be myself when she is unhappy w me..

I'm lost manz..realli lost..

She's just like my torch in my life, w/o her, i'm lost in darkness..

I hope everything will be back to normal..

Fren, pls forgive me and accept me as ur fren, for who i am..

i know u have been doing a fantastic job in this area, cld u pls do it one more time for me??

S.U.N.day 190807

today is Sunday, and i GoTtA wOrk!!!damn sian..

well, i won't miss the chance to catch on my 溏心风爆.(canto series drama)
it's a very nice show!like the way the story goes, how the 'big mother' always settle the 风风雨雨 without any sweat..if only in real life there is someone like her.. full of respect for her manz..this character simply blew my mind!! WheWw..

kinda bored in office today..prolly due to the weather, and bcos some colleagues are not in office...
nice weather to be in bed la..too bad i gotta slog in office... :(
anyway me and my colleagues were discussing abt my conversion to perm thingy.
they were saying i should have asked for a pay raise..felt abit short changed.haiz..what to do? it seems like we gotta take whatever that comes along the way.
like what my fren always says: beggers can't be chooser..
"pathetic"

was on the phone with my fren as usual today..surprised she called me so early.ha..
well, was v happy of cos, but my fren sounded grumpy.
she woke up w a terrible headache,stomach cramp,n her mum's picking on her again.issues with car, as usual. =P
sigh..wana so much to help, but like abit helpless..cant even console her..so useless..
i really hope i can lessen your problems..but i think i'm not capable of doing so now.

i know you are happy that i got converted to perm, but dunno y,i feel abit numb abt the whole thing.prolly bcos i felt it's jus a status,with nothing to the name..dun you think so?
but dun worry fren, should i get my bonus, i won't forget u!!
love ya' no matter what happen, what situation..

blogging to me still feels weird..prolly i'm not that used to say/write everything i feel in here. deep down inside, there is always a voice constantly reminding me that everyone, and yes, i mean everyone can see what i'm writing.
though they are not top secrets, but at least i feel they are some very personal stuffs and thoughts..
i'm trying to open myself..but still feel i can write more and freely in my diary..

hope you had a nice day.. =* miss ya