Dayre-dazesmon

Haven been logging in this blog to update.. Using dayre instead. Follow me at dazesmon at Dayre if you are my frens :)

Last day of 2013

Today is the last day of year 2013. I thought 2012 was tough.. Never did I expect 2013 to be worse.. How I wish all these were nightmares.. But I know I can never turn back time anymore. 

Life without my bestest Fren sucks~ I never once expected u will really leave me.. I'm so silly. I rem I've said a few times to u that in the event if I made u unhappy, I will leave ur life. Now I know it's impossible for me to do so.. I can never do that cos I really wanna spend my every min every sec w u. I wan every part of my growing up life to have u in it.. However for the past 1 year, my life was totally without u. I'm surprised I'm still able to be here typing out my last blog for the year.. I went into depression unknowingly.. My weight jus dropped fr 47kg all the way to 38kg.. But I managed to climb back to the now 44kg and still going up at the rate I'm binging on the junk food.. This is bad.. 

The times I cry without a reason has significantly reduce.. But recently I noticed I have been crying from my dream.. Wat is going on? 

My mama's health isn't really good and it really worries me.. At 1side I wanna give up on myself.. I wan ago without food, I wanna feel sad just the way I feel and don't wanna care about a lot of things..I smoke occasionally and I dread doing that..  But another side, I wanna keep myself healthy. I went jogging as and when I feel like and hv the energy cos I wanna be there anytime for my mama. I don't want her to worry about me.. Which I can tell she is.. I'm so sorry to those who cares and is worrying for me.. But sometimes, I jus can't help it. Many a times, I look at mama and wish I could tell her straight in her eyes that her daughter is really unhappy and sad.. But I can't.. It's tough.. I feel lonely. Not cos I need someone to be with me.. But I feel lonely cos my only Fren no longer wants me anymore.. 

Early this year, I got to know that Joey has left salon for her studies from Alice. I thought that's temporary but behind my back of my mind, I thought for a sec they might hv fallen out like me and u. Of c so I wish it's not the case.. They have been ferns for so long. How c an relationship/friendship be so vulnerable?!

Recently, Alice asked if me n u is alright. Did u tell her  about us? She wanna asked me more I could tell.. But I don't wish to say anything n told her I'm positive we will be alright. That's what I told ur mum too. I choose to believe that we will be back to how we used to be.. 

Regardless how signs and your action are telling me how u don't wish to contact me, how u don't want me to be in your life anymore.. I believe you have ur reason for doin so. I'm sad.. That u blocked me from u. I'm sad.. That I'm no loner part of your life.. I'm sad, that u can really jus don't contact me.. Totally ignoring me.. But I choose to believe you have your good reason and is for the good so us. I'll wait patiently.. Regardless how long. Like what u always tell me.. We will never give up on our family. I will never give up on you my Fren. 

I miss ah boi, your parents, and you. 

I pray for your well beings.. I pray you will b happy everyday. I pray you can live your life to the fullest, the way you like it to be. I pray we will be frens forever. Happy 2014 Fren. U know I'm always here. 

Thanks for your SMS on Xmas eve eve. Appreciate your Xmas wish. Hope you like this iPad air fom me. 

Quote: 命里把一个达浪带走，必定还给你一个达浪。 

Wishes for 2014;

I hope my mama's health will improve , and she will be happy

I hope that my papa can retire happily.. Good health and happy too! 

My Fren and friends are happy 

My god parents are in good health

Ah boi is healthy and happy, long life *sniff sniff*

I have a good career progression and good pay raise and earn a lot of money

 

May everything go smoothly and better for me and everyone! 

Loves~

last year same day

exactly a year back..we just came back from BKK. It was our last trip together.. for now. I hope its not forever.. Well it was an enjoyable trip though i was not feeling really good. I had bad food poisoning the night before and was LS-ing and Vomitting quite badly.. Im so grateful to have you with me at times like this. It was a memorable trip to remember..

a year has pass by just like this..actually it was not like what i said so easily..it didnt pass by this easily..

life was tough without you.. you would not know what i've been through. Likewise, i would not have known what you have gone through.. i'm not happy..never once happy in this past 1 year ever since i knew you and her were together.. its just like yesterday. I remembered i was at USS w my family and you sms-ed me that you are going for a movie w her and dinner at Vivo..ever since that day, my life has changed drastically.

Actually you have made my life changed.. we could have been happier. but you have chosen to ignore me.. perhaps you are happier this way, i respect you. I'll deal with myself, my own emotions. you dont owe me anything..u r not responsible for me too.. I should be in control of my own life.. I've chosen to be unhappy without you. I've allowed myself to be in this state..

through out this year..i have tried to live my life without you. To accept the fact that you have given up on me, your sis, your fren for 13years.. i tried to do things that i used to do with you..but without you this time round. i wana show myself that i can do that. of cos i can..but the feeling is different. its missing something. you are missing from my life.. that's what is missing. i tried travelling, going movies / play, shopping with friends and alone.. its a new experience i agree.. but something is just not right. every single process, i'll be reminded of you. only by going through all these motions did i realise that it has been the most wonderful part of my life to have known you. i've never regretted knowing you. i only regretted not being a better fren for you..and losing you.

the recent SHE concert was good..if only you were there. i was enjoying myself in the concert and suddenly, tears will jus appear..u r missed dearly by me.. The words on the envelope you asked Sasa to pass to me, i hope you really meant what you wrote..: not the time yet, thanks
i'm feelin hopeful cos of these 5 words..i'll wait patiently for u.

for all these years, i thought i can be independent and can be single..it didnt occur to me that cos i always have you around to accompany me. that's why i dont feel lonely.. i understand one day you will need to find your love and life..i dont wish and hope for anything. i only wana be your sis, your fren for life..till we grow old.

i hope you will be happy.. and happy w me in your life too. i really hope in this past year, you have learnt what is dear to you and you have the ability to hold on to what you want., please dont be like me.. im such a failure.

thanks for always being taking good care of me.. regardless what happen, you will always be on my mind. and i will pray for your well being.. 

TW WO U

I'm going on another trip without u..mixed feeling. I wana show you I don't need you, but rather, I want you in my life..forever. This kind of feeling sucks to the max. Rightfully I should be feeling happy, excited cos I'm going on a holiday! but..i just cant seems to find the joy.. I'm kinda depressed..sad that I'm really going without you. I looked at the photo I always have beside my bed.. Its of you and me, taken on 2011, July 27. That's the date we went to TW together, just the 2 of us. When will I be able to go oversea with you again?

I don't know what and how to feel anymore. This trip will be just another grocery shopping to me..nothing feels special or exciting anymore.. I'll get you the MagicShop primer and Facial wash..wish you could tell me what you want from there for now. Really hope my next trip will be with you. I realised no matter what we do or where we go, so long it's with you, it feels special and fun. I know you don't feel the same.. I'm sorry for causing you so much hurts all along. I should have been more sensitive and know what to do. If only I knew, things would not have turn out this way right my fren? 

Feels nothing but regrets only.. My 2nd largest regrets so far.

感恩

我们几乎每一天都会认识新的人，并有可能与他们结为朋友。朋友也分成很多不同等级。利用你的，hi and bye的，虚假的，真心的。妳的一生能遇见几个真心的能？机率会有多高？应该上辈子需积很多福吧。

我很glad我时常有贵人帮助，扶我一把。谢谢Mel 时不时都会在工作上提醒我，帮我。谢谢sasa会在我一个人，做一些傻事时跟我说她心疼我。谢谢nur，虽然不见面，但一直的motivate 我，encourage 我要positive! 最重要是我的家人。though 很多事不和你们分享，是应为不想要你们担忧，但你们无微不至的关怀，以胜过一切，以足够了。还有妳。不管妳生在何处，妳一直是我的良师好友，我的精神支柱，我的好姐姐。我希望妳也能和我一样，一直有人在妳最需要或失落时，扶妳一把，倍伴着妳，照顾妳。我一直相信，我们的友谊，缘分，是一辈子的。 现在的妳，请暂时提我好好照顾自己。妳比任何人都还来的重要。

Dreams

These few days I dreamt more than usual.. Of u. Bits n pieces everywhere.. I'm happy to see u in my dreams. Jus the night before, I dreamt of myself walkin home in a dark alley. In woods I think. I was lost., n was feelin scared. Seems like the place is haunted.. Jus as I was about to scream and run, u appeared, grab my hand and ran. I can feel you were equally scared.. N u do not know where to run to. But u just came back for me when u could have jus walked away, to somewhere safe. I'm thankful for having you in my life.. Really thankful to have u. Please come back my sis.. I need u to be by my side..

slow death..

Quote: We were meant to lose people we love.How else would we know how important they are?

time does not make one forgets, it only make one notices how important you are and how much one cannot live without..

Im in living hell now~ what should i do? i cant stop thinking of you..cant stop thinking of our past..cant stop thinking what exactly happened..cant stop thinking what makes you do this..cant stop the pain..cant stop the hurt..cant stop the tears..cant stop the sadness..  i really misses u so much. do u feel the same?
i just dont understand..m i such a bad fren? do u hate me this much? why wld we turn out this way?
i jus hope we can be back like last time..i know u like to hv freedom..just dont ignore me.. i promise you i wont be so reliance on you anymore..i promise i'll change..

I always know you are this important to me..from the very 1st day i know you.