Just wana be happy

I dunno why I'm overwhelmed by sadness. I hate this kind of feeling. I dun wana be sad. I dun wana be unhappy w someone over what they've done or what they should have done.. Only I can make changes to stop myself from being so u happy. I'm sad too cos I do not know what I should do. A ment I thought I hv decided on what to do, the nex moment i feel it's not right again..  It's torturing me. My soul is badly battered..  I really dunno what I can do to stop all these.. I just wana be happy. It's so hard..

D day

If u rem wat It means, 31st dec 12 will be our D Day. :(

Signals

It's so weird.. When my mind is in a swirl n I cannot decide wat I Shld do.. Was Tinkin if letting go is e best thing for me to do, to free her n myself.. But sasa jus randomly watsapp me, n I wondered if it's a signal. To tell me I can't b on my own. I cannot be without u. U r far impt den I actually know. Wat Shld I do? I'm unhappy now.. I dunno whtr I Shld hold on or let go.. But signs are tellin me to be strong. How long can I b this way?

My heart says I dun wana be out of your life..

before Xmas 2012

we have all survived 21 Dec 12 !! i'm glad.. :) we are all safe and sound.. Thank 神s~!

i feel i haven been a really good fren.. i said things just to spite her.. like when my mum asked why i haven been staying over at your place..i told my mum you are bz, office alot of event..but when i told u what i said to my mum, i said you have got to know another friend and have lesser time for me.. i dunno y i did that.. agnoising over why is did that..i didnt say that i swear..i dun wish to admit it is the case..

When Yanpeng asked me why u are not free, i thought the best answer will be to say you have another gathering to attend..but you seems not happy at my reply. I know my answer could be better then..but what should i say? i really dunno..

Im v happy to see u..but when i know each time i meet you or stay over at your place you will need to lie, i dun feel happy. i wondered what you will do if u r in my situation..i really wish to know..will u be better den me? or worse off..
I felt as if we are doing something sneaky, something 见不得光。。 i hate this kind of feelin..
i know u r always doing your best to spend time w me whenever you can..u dun need to tire yourself this way for me..im just your sister. nobody too impt.. you can definately do without me..i must keep reminding myself that you can do without me anytime..you don't need me in your life..this way i wont sink further in.This way i wont forget and expect alot again..this way i wont get any disappointments..i dun wish to tink this way, but i guess this is the best for us both.. you have made your choice. i shld learn to do so for myself too..i will learn..

thanks for being there for me fren..i still hope i can do the same for you too! forever..but is there a thing call forever? i might want to..but do you? does situation allows?
thanks for being my reader..cos im a book..and i need you to tell me who i am..

thanks for reassuring me that im a loyal person towards something or someone who i love..i just have alot of new interests..and they changes pretty fast.. it's always nice to have you with me.. even though i might have alot of unhappiness, alot of worries each time before meeting you..but when im w you, everything mirculously just dissipated.. gone. im surprised too..but u r always able to make me change my thoughts abt my decisions..i dunno how u do it..but u jus did it everytime without fail.
U might not even know u have done it n how you do it..but it jus happen. Sometimes i hated it..i hated myself for being not strong willed enough..but im glad you are able to change my mind everytime..perhaps thats how and why we are able to be frens, sisters for so long..my mimi lim. tell me wats next to come..

would you dare admit that i did all these above cos you are this impt to me?

the post before 211212

what if tomorrow is end of world like what the Mayans has predicted?
I've totally no idea what i would do..probably i'll do my usual stuffs.. My mama papa jiejie minghui knows i love them..my mimi lim oso know i love them..i have no regrets. but if only im given a 2nd chance..i would relive my life again in a better manner... i would be hard working and earn alot of money..i would be braver and tell the one i love that i love her and wana look after her for life.. i would not let myself ever have any regrets if its within my control..i could have done better 12years back..
what i can do now is bravely accept whatever comes along..welcome the future.. i wana my family to be healthy and happy always..i wan my mimi lim to be happy too..That's probably the best gift i can ask for..
Pray everyone will be safe, healthy and happy forever..

loves~

losing u..

Yes thats what has been haunting me every now and then..creeping into my thoughts even when im preoccupied with work..u prefer and have chosen to b w her over me. ur priorities were never once me. i'm jus a nobody..who wldnt be sad? im only human too. u say im understanding..u r wrong..im actually not.but what else can i do but self deceive myself that everything is gonna be just fine? im jus not accepting the fact and still thinks that one day everything will turn out jus fine..its pricking me every now and then..reminding me that i'm forsaken..you have been and will always be my priority..but sadly, i'll never be urs. U will never be happy and contented just being w me..this is a fact that i have to accept..what else can i do? Im unhappy..i oso dunno wat is happening to me..can someone pls tell me?

i thought u have chosen a path where u'll be happy..at least 1 of us is happy..its worth while. but y r u equally unhappy? What have u done? why do something that makes everyone unhappy?or izit something that ive done wrongly that makes u unhappy being w me? is this the best choice you can make fren? m i given any choice? i wana very much to help..but im helpless.. i know im one of the person who caused u to be unhappy..u felt obliged somehow to me..that u've neglected me. u know im very unhappy..thus u felt sorry. i dun need u to apologise..whats the point of it? i wan u to be w me, spend time w me cos u wana..not cos u felt the obligation to do so..u can never understand how it feels like to know u r actually a burden to someone who u care and love dearly..i dunno what im feelin too..a moment i thought i can understand and think for u, the next im jus as confused.. i need a break through.. can u be my mimi lim again?can we be like before?

wat happen if

Wat happen if u suddenly realise all along you have been living in another person's shadow? (random thoughts)
Wat happen if u suddenly realise u prefer the old u?
Wat happen if u suddenly realise wat u have done is not the best for all including urself?

Wat happen if?

Living in another person's shadow so what? if u have been doing so and lasting for so long, means that person is worth u doing so..
Prefers the old u? or do u actually mean the old life style? u can always be the old u anytime u wish, cos u control ur action, behaviours n thinking..but getting back to the old life style that you have already given up? difficult cos time is not something u can turn back once u have decided to move on to another kind of lifestyle..a pity..
If ur approach is not bringing the best results and not accepted by all, den just please yourself. It should be much easier to do so then trying to please everyone else but yourself..

Im sad that my fren is feeling unhappy..shes always strong but yet she breaks down 'in front' of me..i feel her hurt, her unhappiness n her disappointments in that moment..wanted very much to help her. But wat can i do? I thought she should be in her happiest state now that she found someone she likes and able to spend time w..why is she feeling unhappy still? what izit that she is looking for besides this? I hope she can find the ans for herself..
Please let me be able to help my fren still..

images..

今天跟以往一样忙。。开户开户。。不过忙的当儿，断断续续浮现了我们出国的images..都是我们在争吵的片段。。 :( 为什么今天会这样奇怪呢？不清楚。。或许我有些遗憾。感觉现在跟她在一起的时间越来越少。可惜。为什么当时浪费美好时光在逗气，弄得我们都不开心，应好好珍惜在一起的时光。but 我们没有。。突然间我有失落的感觉。 :(

我们真的能像这样一直维持下去吗？我很尽力配合了，不给她问题。不给她烦恼，让她开心的做她喜欢和爱做的事，和她爱的人在一起。i know she also tries her best to spend time w me when she can..但，我不是很快乐。我好像好想念我们每天能见面，能谈天，能一起共餐的日子。那段我们‘相依为命’，只有对方的日子。她为了她的幸福放弃了吗？我还是会支持。。因为这也是我喜欢的她。    

your qualities..

are what kept you attractive the way you are..jus be yourself. love ya always~

Assurance

thanks for giving me the assurance that I always needed n seeked for from u fren. U know me very well..like a book. I really need all these assurances too..not just u. im always able to find my securities fr u. That's y i have always been so contented. I need to rely more on myself now..cos i realised u wont always be there for me. we all need to be independent..However, i wld still like to thanks u for being there for me fren, as always. I dun tink there's anyone who doesnt need constant assurance so u r no exception too.dun worry fren..u r not alone. Hope im able to be ur support forever, someone u can always trust n rely on. i'll put myself in ur shoes n think everytime and everything for u. I'll work hard for u fren. Cos u wan me too. N i wan to for u. Jiayou! Hope u can be forever happy de. :)

Define: Taken for granted

... ... .... .

以前喜欢的一首歌

陶喆 - 普通朋友


词曲: David Tao
专辑： Power Of Live 影音记录珍藏盘

等待
我随时随地在等待
做你感情上的依赖
我没有任何的疑问
这是爱
我猜
你早就想要说明白
我觉得自己好失败
从天堂掉落到深渊
多无奈
我愿意改变 （what can I do?）
重新再来一遍（just give me change）
我无法只是普通朋友
感情已那么深
叫我怎么能收手
但你说
I only want to be your friend
做个朋友
我在
你心中只是just a friend
不是情人
我感激你对我这样的坦白
但我给你的爱暂时收不回来
So I
我不能只是be your friend
I just can’t be your friend
我猜
你早就想要说明白
我觉得自己好失败
从天堂掉落到深渊
多无奈
我愿意改变 （what can I do?）
重新再来一遍（just give me change）
我无法只是普通朋友
感情已那么深
叫我怎么能收手
但你说
I only want to be your friend
做个朋友
我在
你心中只是just a friend
不是情人
我感激你对我这样的坦白
但我给你的爱暂时收不回来
So I
我不能只是be your friend
I just can’t be your friend
我不能只是做你的朋友

Love

真爱是无敌的！love knows no boundaries!

Proud of u! (as always)

Im so proud of u! even everyone says so..! U are always so encouraging to us when we needed support. i wana do the same for u too! I hope i can do so and be your bestest sis. Love ya sis!

Dec 2012

My Dec 2012 has started very well..I am happy.
I accompany my dearest fren to Asus's service center.spent a good 2hrs waiting and sadly, need to spend $600-900+ to get it repaired! a pity, we aren't spending so much just to get it repaired of cos..rather get a new set.. so, we decided to shop for a new laptop, and that i'll be chipping in for her Xmas present! yea~ :)
Oh ya, we both got our new Samsung Note 2 officially today!! hehe* M excited about it..haha.I need my fren to help me play w it..yes, im an idiot when it comes ot gadgets..hahah! m i a bimbo? nooo!!
I jus have no flair for it la..
Anyway, we went off to Marina Sq after the repair is declined to shop for Xmas gifts..it was raining cats and dogs on our way..super cold and both of us did not bring any sweater out! The moment we arrived at Marina Sq, we went to search for sweater..lol.
In e end, we got ourselves a cardigan each from Mango. I got it as a small gift for her..suits her well. She looks nice this weekend anyway. :) *hers black and mine, baby pink*
Time was abit rush cos we are meeting the ladies (Mary, Sol, Brigitte, Nur and family) at 5pm at Millenia Walk for dinner at halal restaurant Fika.
The serving is so big! We both shared a plate (for 2) of seafood lobsters pasta..so filling. But it seems like we havent been dining, sharing food for awhile. I very much treasured the time we had the whole day, just the 2 of us. While being very happy, i felt abit sad cos i know i wont be able to have the luxury of going out w her, with her companionship as and when like the past.. Our get together depends on the approval of another person now.. How do i not hate her when i dont even know her? M i a saint to start w? sadly, im jus a human, your fren..
Anyway, dinner was ok.But after that, we were at a lost cos we didnt know what to do and where to go.After walking around Suntec City for awhile, Nur n family left. We took a grp pic before that. It was a nice pic.Dunno if im sensitive, but i tink she is afriad that i'll stand too close to her..I seems to have given her alot of inconveniences, or izit the other person who is imposing alot over her..i dunno.
We chit chatted quite abit yest, among the grp, between the 2 of us. We had a good laugh when we recalled the every 1st time we went shopping together for Shitian's bdae present at Suntec City.Amazingly, the CD shop is still around! after a decade..haha! I told her i rem that time where she was so focus in making a box to put the VCDs, and she drooled! Hahha..i dun mean to laugh at her but, such memories are so nice. It makes us feel close once again..like we hasnt leave each other life even once after so long.We came such a long way, all the more we should treasured each other. I should be stronger..At Starbuck, (just 5 of us without Nur n family), we randomly chatted and were all excited over Sol's wedding. Cos we'll be touring Philippines during the trip too, which will be in Aug 2013! M really excited that i might get to go on a trip w my dearest sis again.. I dun wana tink tis way de..but no choice,I know my sis well.. If the other person doesnt like it, most likely she wouldnt do it. She can do exactly what she did when she was w Yvo, askin me not to go BKK. Why cant she do the same now? She can tell me she cant go holiday w me..cos that person (Yvo the 2nd) doesnt like it..Shes always the follower when it comes to r/s..which is so not the Mimi i like and know..perhaps thats why we will never be an item, in the past no, now no, future no too..She will never like me, cos im a follower of her.
I was fortunate to get to stay over at her place yest..thank you so much. But pls, if its a risk, i prefer u dun take it. I told u before that i don't wana cause any troubles to u. Let me feel unhappy or sad, let me bear all the ridiculous pains and everything..I'll do it for u.I'll endure for u..cos i cant bear for you to be unhappy n sad. I cant bear to see u being lonely..
Im happy to see Ah Boi..(sniff sniff*), still the same oh ah boi, i miss u sooo much! kiss kiss*
Im happy to be able to hug my bois to slp..i really miss them.Was tinkin over past few days if i should bring them back, but i tink no. They shld be at her plc de. I'll visit them n hug them when i get the chance..
Im happy to see Godma and Godpa..both of them looks the same, happy and healthy. Im happy that they have asked for me..i miss them too. :)
Im happy to be staying overnight at her place, slping by her side, waking up seeing her beside me. Im very contented already.
We went Westmall to shop for our microsim card and hp cover for our new Note 2. Afterwhich, we went Ber's place for lunch (cooked by SJ) and played w Enen..Today she was feelin abit cranky..(maybe uncomfy cos of teeth growing?) but still very cute..hehhe.
I love En En..she is sooo adorable.. :) Hope to play w her soon again!
We left around 6pm. Fren told me she needs to rush cos the other person is not working and she just got to know.Fren told me she is unhappy, and that she is worried. I can sense her anxiety..this is something i can never see her feelin for me de..
We parted around 6pm.

She told me Yvo and that person are the only 2 that asked her the qn - why she likes them.
Sometimes i wana very much ask her the same too..but not why she likes gals..but y them. Maybe its only me..but as her best fren cum sis, i wan someone who is good for her.Someone who truly likes her, (not make use of her), someone who can make her happy, (not tired) and someone who don't control her (but maybe that's why she likes them)
How can i possible be friend to this person, when all the vibes i got from her is so similar to Yvo? Its so difficult to say bye to Yvo, its like finally we got ourselves out of the shit hole..why would she jump in another..and why would i jump in w her? This time round, i wana be the on looker.I wana be objective and be able to tell her whos good and whos not for her from far.. I know once im in the same hole, i cant see clearly again..I wana be there for her, to be able to pull her out of the hole if she chooses to.
The thing i dun like about that person is, i tink she is not as simple as she seems.Cos of her background, she is far more deep than it seems..her experiences make her a scary person, and her expectation and demands makes people breathless at times.. Thats what i feel about her. I dunno how good she is to my sis. Only she knows and can tell whether the effort she puts in is worthwhile.

I really like my fren's companionship..i like being w her.v simple wish...i thot being her sis is enough. i can be w her like in the past..till the end.
But it seems like im too naive..i din know in order to be with her always, i need to be her partner.. I dunno if im jealous or thinking correctly..I din know only being her partner will bring the whole r/s to another level, a level which supersede all other r/s..a level that allows me to be w her at all times.
I keep tinkin, what is it that she doesnt like about me? Why has she grown tired and sick of my companionship? that's why she prefers someone elses' companionship now.. Im really unwanted once again.Why is this happening? Cos im not her partner..im just her sister.
Is this wat i wan? I love her, but i tink its not that kind of love anymore. But i really just like to be with her..so what does tis say? Im so confused..perhaps someone can tell me what i wan exactly..
I know i cannot bring her happiness..that's why i yearn for her to find someone good.I told her this afternoon to not be so passive, and wait for things to happen, for someone to find her and she just accomodate, make changes to fit into the r/s. Why cant she be the one to look for the right one that suits her? I hope she can be happy..n i tink she will be happier that way. I dun like to see her so tired from all these..she felt burdened..By the 2 of us. Im trying my best already..but she still feels burdened. this is only the 1st month..i wonder whats next to come.. haa. ironically~

They were talking about end of world in 21 Dec 2012..which is a few more days to come.
Do u believe it? I do..but i dont tink its happening yet.
I always tink if its really the end of world, what will i do?
I will not do anything, but perhaps i will tell my loves one my true feeling.
I'll tell my family (mama, papa, minghui and jiejie) that i really love them alot. Its a blessing that im being brought to this world, to be their child, to be their siblings. I cannot ask for more..i am grateful they are always there for me, giving me the supports whenever i need. I love my ah ma very much too..We'll be meeting in another world soon together.. :)
I'll tell my dearest Mimi Lim, that i never once loved some one so much before. I don't like gals, i don't love gals, but i jus like and love her. She jus captured my heart like a thief, there's no explanation. And i just fell madly in love w her then, and perhaps even more madly now so much so that im confused over my feelings. I tink i can almost do anything for her..but im a letdown. Ive no money, im always giving her probs, troubles and disappointment, i dun give her any confidence and assurance..i cant give her happiness. However i would still tell her i love her though she has given me alot alot of heartaches over the years too..If there's a 2nd chance, i would still wana fall in love her like how i did so in JC, but this time round, i will do my best to make her feel the same way i feel for her. I know its crazy but i still love her v much. Thanks for coming to my life..im grateful for knowing you. Though we cant be lovers / partners now, im glad we did once, and that we managed to be sisters, a family now, which is for life. Thanks for always being there for me, taking very good care of me, protecting me like a big sister will do. I wana do the same for u too.I dont wana you to get hurt. I rather myself being the one to take all your sufferings if there is ever any..I'll listen to you n do everything you want me to do within my ability.. so long its good for u fren.I'll protect u w my life.. I love u.
This will be my last words for her..should end of world be coming.

As for now, i'll be her good sister and trustable silly fren for life.. Trust me like i trust u, fren..nothing and nobody can break our r/s. So long we have faith in each other, and truly have a place for each other in that heart of ours. Yes, u must be happy and fortunate.

Breakie for Dec 12

Finally got our Samsung note 2! Haa.. The long awaited phone. Delivered to my office.. Though it'll b better if we can get it tog at the branch like iPhone 2yrs back. Haa.

Can't wait to charge and play w it soon! 

Tml is dec alr! Dec 2012! They say the last day of the world is 121212. Not sure if it's real but I think Dec gonna b a good month for me! I started doing banking sales for officially 6mths! Hope I will like and can do for long for good! I wana earn a lot of money within a short time!! 

Suddenly got strong feeling that dec will have some good happening. I wonder what it is. People see me like 10+ yrs not attached, I feel the other way round instead at times. Haha. But this time, I'm gonna feel the same way others see. It's time for a change. I shouldn't be too contented with my life.. All these are just not enough. I wana work hard for the life I wan. I can't be who I used to be anymore. I need to make changes.. Hope I can do so. While tryin hard to make changes, I hope everyone around me will be happy for me, n be happy themselves too. I love all my friends n family very much. I hope they do n feel the same way for me too. 

Nov has been a long and difficult month for me..I've not felt so unhappy and worse for the longest time and this is the worst in my last 10yrs.. I dun wana ever experience such feeling again..i dun wana always be the loser anymore..i dun wana be such a crybaby anymore..Good bye Nov 12.. i welcome Dec 12~and 2013 and many more months and years to come!

I need breakie. <3 acc="acc" me="me" pray="pray" who="who" will="will">

27.11.2012

I know my sis is unhappy. Of cos will be unhappy and sad. I'm sad for her too. But I want her to be happy with the person who can make her happy too. Not like this.. Can she find the right person so she does not have to go through all these ordeals? She does not deserve all these cos she is a good sis, a really good person, a fantastic my best Fren. She deserved to hv happiness only. I'm not at all like her. She is strong where I m not. If I really leave her, will she be happier? I don't wana be her tripping stone. I jus want to be her angel by her side, protecting her always like what she always do for me.

I hope she can be stronger n move forward. She'll meet a better someone! She will. 

If the person takes thing lightly and is so selfish, she truly doesn't deserve my sis' love and effort at all. This is not abt seeing a future together, but whether she is worth the effort and whether we have happy moments together. I hope she can meet someone who shar same views and sentiments w her. One who can compliments each other. 

When 2 persons are together..

Are all these worth it? I thought only I'm unhappy. Y is my Fren unhappy too? Y is everyone unhappy? Does this means all the efforts put in are wasted? Why mud that person self created so many prob? Y mus that person tink I'm a threat? Y mud that person tink we are such unethical, despicable pple that do things behind pple's back? Where's the TRUST?

I hope Mimi lim can b happy. I hope that person will hope the same too n not be so selfish. 

I'm touched when my Fren says she could not hold back her tears when we talked about leavin each other's life. I can't bear to leave u. I wana grow old w u. I'll do anything for u. Even if it means only sadness for me my Fren, u know that? I wan u to b happy w me. I dun wana be a useless person who brings only prob for u. I'll b sad if u wan me out of ur life.. But I'll do anything for u if u really decided on that. I'll jus need time to adapt.. 

Growing old gracefully..

I didn't expect to go out w min sis n sasa for lunch tdy. I thought I wld say I'm not feelin well. Will not see her. In e end, I went. The lunch turns out well. We chit chatted for awhile fr 1-3.45pm. After that, she wana go Vivo shop for Xmas present. I wana say bye to her but in e end, I acc her to Vivo. I jus can't bear to see her being alone, even for a small period of time. Even I know after that she will say bye to me n I gotta make my way back home myself. I thought I'll be able to stand strong by what I wana do, not meet her for these period. But I can't bring myself to do it.
I did wat I wana do today, but yet I'm afraid I'll go mad again like yesterday again.. N give her probs again. I dun wish to.
M I doin things right? Is this wat she wants? On my way home, I called her. I guessed she will b bored thus I called cos I dun wana her to feel bored. Y hasn't she called me instead? Y? Was she afraid to talk to me?
 I will b ok for ur sake Fren, my Sis.

Somebody MSG me: Haha let's hope that both of us will grow old into nice and caring 👵👴 (grandma and grandpa) hahaha.

He hope that we can all grow old gracefully tog. 

That's wat I hv always told my sis. That I will grow old gracefully w her. 

Shld I jus disappear?

Stupid me.. Y did I hv expectation again? Y did I tink that she will acc me the whole day? Is there a prob w me? Y Izit only I'm the one who wants her companionship? Y doesn't she needs mine any more? Or have this been the case for all these while? She is tired already.. Y dun she jus ignore n let me b? I dun understand? Y when 2 person finds it diff to b tog, wat kept them holdin  on to each other? Y mus I b the one who caused so much probs to her? Y mus it b me? Wat is wrong w me? Y did she showed me she put in effort but on e other hand she told e person that she has acc me enough alr? Y Izit she told me she has nothin to do nothin to shop n nex moment she told e other person she wana shop for stuffs. I dunno whether the thing I feel n see n hear is real. For a moment I really feel she wana us to meet n know each other. I was actually convinced n wana give us a chance to meet n know each other. But the truth is, wat Shld I do? I dunno how to face even my dear sis. Wat is happening? I'm feelin v v weak all of a sudden. I'm confused. I dunno wat to do except to hide n cry. Sometimes  I dunno wat I'm cryin for.  Jus cryin non stop till I feel numb..Is my last day comin? .. I dunno wat to do.. Pls teach me wat to do. I jus wan to b happy. I jus wan u to b happy..

24.11.12

Tell me wat Shld I do. I dunno how tO behave the right way. It's jus me. Imjus human..sorry ur effort gone to waste. I know u r tired. Let's jus not meet if u r.
I really hate myself 

明明就懂妳的用心，但却说那样的话I really hate myself

明明就已经跟知己说我ok,你们因该有全部的时间在一起，但又情绪冲晕头i really hate myself

明明就很在意你，却要叫你不要管我

I really hate myself, 明明就要你能开心，但还是我给你最大的问题

I really hate myself for not being able to be the good sis u wan me to be. U r the best.. I dun deserve your effort. Pls ignore me. I'm jus mad again. I appreciate what uve done for me as always. I ask myself, what hv i ever done for u? Like wise, the problem lies w me, not w u or w others. I'm the root of all problems. I'm sorry my presence has always obstruct u to move forward or do anything. I would not forgo this frenship n kinship we've built too.I'll try harder. If not pls tell me to go away fr ur life if u need to. I'll respect n understand. 

21.11.12

Im beginning to have better appetite..but dunno izit i cannot eat too much still. Everytime after i ate slightly more, i feel discomfort in my tummy n even LS today.
I finally went lunch w my min sis today after so long..together w Sasa. M happy to see them both and lunch w them.. Sasa told min sis that im always so happy. Min sis said thats cos Sasa has not seen me when im sad.. Y wld i wana let others know im sad? I oso wana protect..i dun wish pple to probe..cos i know if they do, i cannot hold back my tears.. n this will lead to more n more probing which i do not wish to. This is my only way to protect myself, and my min sis.. Im not happy, but wat can i do? I dun even wan min sis to know im not happy..i wan her to ease her mind off me, so that she can conc on the stuffs she wana do. Work, n that person, n family n many other stuffs. Her world does not revolve round me only..i understand.
After the dream, i started to set lesser expectations..i realised expectations are what gives you the most disappointments.. Im not happy, im not. But wat can i do? Life goes on..nobody will die from sadness..
Min sis asked me y i can be gd fren w Ber. I dunno cos i hv never thought if it.. I tink it jus came naturally.. But after pondering for awhile, i realised its cos of Min sis..who else?
She set the stage well for us to know each other, n we have gd impressions of each other..We spent time w each other, take care of each other, travel cum shopping mates for years n share gossips like any other girl friends will do.. We meet each other almost every week..I like bernice cos i tink she is worthy of my frenship. Though she has alot of flaws, but who does not? I see her sincerity..most impt, sometimes from her, i find the things that im lacking, even the feeling (sad n happy) that im feeling when im w Min sis. Im always grateful to those who appeared in my life, lend a helping hand lifting me up during my dull days.. I'll rem them for life.. (the gd kind) Most imptly, I see her treating min sis w a sincere heart before..at least thats what i feel.
But im curious, did min sis tell her the same thing abt our history like she told that person now? If yes, i tink Ber has got a really open heart, willing to accept. If no, thats the way to begin w since its all history,Y bring it up?
Im happy for Ber that she has found her love n had a family of her own now.. :) fr the bottom of my heart..
Same goes for my Min sis..i sincerely hope she will be happy w what she has now.. n feel loved.
Its time for me to do the same, n i hope i get the same blessings from my dearest frens too..

My dream

Now is 5am. I woke up crying fr my dream. 原来mimi lim

也不知道all these are not within her control.还天真的以为她能handle.我也以为我可以control my emotions and hold back.but I'm really wrong,v v wrong, I'm afraid all these are jus a brave pretense, jus like my dream. I can't do it. I'm really afraid of losing my Mimi lim. The dream is so real like. It was real like. In the dream u told me to look at u ride the motorbike game. U r ridin w her n that I can look fr far 1st before I join u on 2nd round. I told u not necessary to go 2nd round w me cos after the 1st round, ull b dead tired. U can go ahead w her. U insisted that u can handle it and n asjed me to wait for u. Though I tOld u I dun intend to see n play, I hid fr far lOokin at u havin fun, wanting to share the joy n support u. I was actually so lookin fwd to my turn. 

However in my dream, it turns out that u hv disappointed me. U were tired n cannot bring me on to the 2nd round u promised. She doesn't allow u to pillion me like u do for her too. U tried explaining to me but I was jus too devastated when the truth is placed before me. I cried as I ran down the stairs of flight. U were running hard after me too. 4th floor, 3rd floor, coming to 2nd floor u slowed down ur pace n finally took a different direction fr me without reaching 1st floor. This is reality or isn't just my dream? I woke up suddenly. In my dream I was crying hard. I woke up crying too. Which is seldom cos I usually would only tear n woke up fr dreams.. Feelin v sad now. I tink tis is real. HOw long can I put up w all these? How long can I deceive myself n put up w my own pretense. I'm tired le.. Im still so naive n stupid, even in my dreams.. Pls tell me wat I Shld do.. I dun wana lose her.. But I guess it's not up to me to say n decide. 

Jus before I slept earlier, I was still Tinkin I was actually touched by wat she said in her watsapp, that she has never thought if losing this kinship between me n her. Y m I dreaming wat I dreamt then? Pray that everything will be like wat I wished for. 心想事成。

most apt

17.11.12

Stayed over at Mimi's Plc on Friday. Happy yet dunno how to describe the feelin. I hope we can still be the same us. However every now and then im kinda reminded of our watsapp. Is that person unhappy w my sis cos I stayed over? Is my sis unhappy cos of of my stay over? Y she always says that person 'might' or 'allow' her to meet? I wana know yet doesn't wana ask.But i tink they are happy together.. I hope we are happy always. I hope Mimi is happy too. Whole day w May n Sharon n frens. Should be v occupied and enjoyable de..But y m i tinkin of wat she is doin n whether she is happy now? Hope she is. Missing her in my plans.

Dreams.. Hopes..

Dreams and Hopes are all that keep us going.. What happens if they are gone? 

wishing for happiness

If you really love someone, u want them to be happy, even not with u..

My dear Fren is making a lot of effort. She watsapp me n calls me to chat. She mus b worried abt me. I can't let her know I'm not well. I mus let her know I'm ok. N that I'm strong. For her sake. 

I haven been able to eat well. Lost of appetite. This is even serious den past few times of experiences. My wt went fr 46.5 to now 41.8. Wat is happening to me? Shld be the food poisoning that contributes to the bulk of it. Nothin to do w my mood. I hope to get well soon. Pls let us be happy once again. 

Dunno..

I can't help but read n re-read our watsapp this morning. Mimi lim mus hv spent the whole night composing such a long MSG to me. Y suddenly? Did that person requested her to do something if not they will not be together? Y suddenly msg me to apologize, to tell me that the person know abt our past and that she'll do her best to correct the mistake? Izit a hint for me? Izit bcos my fren is at her wits end too?To tell me that I shldnt be expecting so much from her from now on? U keep tellin me freq reduced, she cannot stomach the idea of ex Slpin beside u.why is she bringing up all these past which none of us wish to touch on for yrs? Y is she here to jeopardize our wonderful frenship for yrs?! Does she knows abt ber n u? If she did wld she Oso request u not to talk to her and not be as close to her? Y is she dictating u? Y is she controlling u? Or is this ur wish too? I'm at a confused state.. I cannot tink right. A moment I tink we r still the same, nothin changes and nothing will change.another moment i am afraid that we can no longer be the same like before. W another person in ur life, it has turned everything upside down. This is the least I wld expect fr u, fr ur relationship. I nvr knew u gg into relationship wld means me having to get out of ur life. Is she the right person for u Fren? Of cos only u know n time will tell. I only hope all these u've done for her is worth while. she will be the one who can bring u happiness. I know I'm not the one and can never be. I dun wish to leave u. Tell me wat I Shld do? Wat Shld I do? Pls take care of my bois.. they r still by ur side,protecting u the same on behalf of me.jus that u can't see. I trust u. I do so completely. Tell me wats more to come for me.

14.11.2012 I'm too used to having u as part of plans all the time~

Thanks for finally telling me. Though I wished it was a face to face but I tink u find it difficult to tell me in person. U know I won't b able to control n will definitely cry. Yes I cried for a gd 2hrs+ in bed. Sorry that u were affected at such timing, at work. Hope u were able to hold back ur tears. I definitely trust that u will try to handle the situation. Nobody will lose each other. Thanks for giving me the assurance. I'm v happy u did that. I know u r doing ur best to protect me again. I know u love me as much as I do too. But I hv no wish to let u into a difficult position. I'm jus disappointed that things turn out this way.. These are things we cannot control.. U always say, if I can't change, u will. Mayb it's time I do something for u. Though I do not wish to do it, I'm given no choice. Can we really be the same w another person in your life now?  Of cos I wld love to go out w u, dinner, slp over, share ur joy n everything. I thought this will b forever, till we are old. I'm still v naive at my age. Ah bing, if not for urself, pls tink more for others. For ur dearest mimi lim. She wldnt want all these to happen if given a choice. I know she wldnt. But she cannot control. Pls help her. U can do it. For her sake.. Pls do wat u can do for her so long she is happy. Even if it means ull b unhappy n sad. She's worth it. U mus do so.

I love u too much to let go. Ull forever be my dearest sis, my Mimi lim

challenges

Im physically and mentally challenged..

penning down my wkend..

My fren has acc me to where i wana go to over the wkend!
After Ber's hse warming, we left around 6pm to JP for dinner and to shop for heels @ mitju.
Afterwhich, we had Crystal Jade..she has a gd appetite. Im happy to see that!
I went to her place to stay over..initially i was apprehensive if i wana n should stay.. Y? Cos that person slept on the bed before.. Y? Cos im afriad that person might appear on Sun and i wld need to go back home in a rush like im some kind of mistress.. Luckily nothing of the sort. Im glad. My Mimi Lim has protected me well.. I has a gd nite slp..she was not really though..(kinda difficulties in breathing) Tink cos she was unwell..
The nex sun morning, we woke up fresh n happy! She brot me to Mac for breakie..Thx so much.! U rem! :)We spent the day in the room, a relaxing sun..and after that, she bot me to Clementi for dinner @ fish n co. Hearty dinner w no disturbance.. Im curious, yet i chose not to ask,, y that person was not free. I chose to believe that you jus wana spend some time w me, before u have no time for me anymore when you fully conc on that person..I appreciate what you have done for me..n definately treasured every bit of the time i spent w u. I know its time for me to say gd bye,,but i was reluctant and requested to stay for another nite(thick skinned)
I bid gd bye to Ah boi.(the next morning) i know it gonna be away for awhile before i will see him again. i took a few pics of the room which i have stayed wkends after wkends for years.. i kept all my bois away.in a safe place.. i was once again reluctant to leave..i spent a gd 2hrs doing nothin, jus reminiscing. I'm so gonna miss everything, the time spent, the feeling, u and all and all.. V sad, but i should be contented.. Im gonna leave u for awhile for u to search for ur happiness my fren, my dear sis. In pursuit of ur happiness, pls do not forget me n continue to miss me.cos i will definately miss u dearly..i promise <3>

Love

I jus read thru the posts i had from 2007 till date..i realised i actually love her so much, as much..ever since she became my sis. I hope my love (sis's kind) for her will be as strong, 10, 20, 30 yrs and forever down the road. Please don't disappoint me..show me you are worth wat i'm doin for u.. I'll show u i'm worth your love and protection (sis's) for me too.


**y m i feelin insecured? afriad, i m**

12.11.12

My sis jus told me that this person she likes cannot accept that we are this close. What should be a normal person's reaction? How should my reaction be like? My sis can give me all the reassurance, but I tink it's gonna be hard on my poor sis. What kind of person will demand such atrocious request? Its like tellin ur someone that i cannot be with you if you still have a pair of parents..cos i have bad experience with in laws.. Or like I cannot stand dog, so pls send ah boi to SPCA if you wana be with me?! Shouldnt love be i love you, n i will love who u love.. 爱屋及乌? Before we know each other, we alr dislike each other. The feelin is mutual i guess..I'll make myself scarce. I dont wana my sis to give me the feelin that I'm a hindrance to her anymore.. I dun wana have that same kind of terrible feelin i had years back..that i'm unwanted by her..that she does not need me in her life to share her joy..I have had enough.I 'm too old for all these over again. This person jus reminded me of Yvo.. I'm incomparable to a person whom she knows for only a few months..irony~
Hope this person will treat my sis gd. My sis will still be my dearest mimi lim regardless wat happen, no matter how she treats me. N i love her so.

9.11.12

I'm unhappy.. I dunno wat to do..

Thoughts on 6.11.12

I thought to myself 

I'm unhappy cos I expected too much

I've over estimated myself 

It's all me n my feeling that I causing all these sadness n unpleasantness 

She is not responsible for it

Rather she has done her best to protect me (I'm glad n grateful)

I'll do my best too to protect her n let her be happy 

I'll still wait for her to tell me abt it 

She will talk to me when ready.. 

相信你只是怕伤害我，不是骗我

很爱过谁会舍得

把我的梦摇醒了，宣布幸福不会来了

用心酸微笑去原谅了，也翻Y越过

有昨天还是好的

但明天是自己的

开始懂了

快乐是选择

U

Y?

Impromptu Bkk Trip Oct 12

Jus came back from BKK again!
This time round we went with Mary Grace Umali..haha.
Its a new experience though going to the same place..guess with different company.
The whole trip was an impromptu decision. We decided/plan for awhile and decided to book tix only on tuesday and the same week - Sat, we took off! whew~~ nice~~!
Din do much of shopping as compared to the last trip we went together in Mar 12..*jus the 2 of us*
But overall, still spent quite abit..cos of the expensive air tix (we flew by SQ!!) and expensive Hotel stay at Eastin Makkasan. :)
Unfortuanately i fell sick, got food poisoning on my last day of the trip..threw up a few times and had realli bad diarrhoea..never had such experience ever since the Clorets incident..that time my mama had to carry me to see Dr Wu for injection..this time round im lucky i have Mimi Mother Lim who looked after me..
Spolier still cos because of me, we din do much last min shopping on the day we were flying back SG..
Anyway, i'm looking forward to maybe a short getaway in Dec again and our trips in 2013!
We will be going to maybe US. Paris. or even Korea and Taipei next year! Yippee!! I better save enough to go to all these places..I must not be such a spendthrift anymore..

I think i don't like what im doing..can i change job?
I need a job which i like and can earn gd money..please let me find u...

I've got strange kind of feeling recently..i wonder what is in stall for me..
I hope only good things..bad things pls go away..

I hope for the wellbeing of everyone around me..pls be happy and healthy always. N of course, i wana be Happy and Healthy too.

放不下，又迮样？

为和要懂得放下？迮么原因一定要放下呢？

Year 2012

Happy Belated 2012!

Its better late then never..haha

I started off 2012 (CNY) with a super hyper and happy mood.hehe

Alot of changes is expected this year for min sis and myself..

I bought (almost 80%) of a make up kit for her! yea! Min sis is finally putting on make up to work and is doing very well!

She received a very GOOD respond on her new style.!!

ops..i forgot to say, she has left Anixter for the new RS! as a team supervisor!

RS is just located at IBP, near where i'm stayin! heheh..

but a pity though its so near my place, we see lesser of each other.

Nothin surprising, work in RS is always so tedious..n she should give her best to perform within this year! i'll give her my full support! My min sis can do it de!

People management, thats what her forte is.No worries Min Sis! Jia you..u can do it de! believe in yourself!

The start is always tougher, perservance and you will start to reap what you sow!

As for myself, i jotted down a list last year Nov 11 for 2012.Lets see what have i accomplished so far-:

Wishlist for next year (2012):

1/ travel to places we never go before - Went Bali (Nov 2011), Bangkok (Feb 2012), HK (April 2012)

2/ get the best present for fren to celebrate her big 3 bdae~ .. :D *save save save up!!** (actually thought of giving Min Sis a different bdae, eg loan a 2door car, book MBS/RWS hotel and have fun for the day as tourist but since we gg HK, we shall have the celebration there!) - should be getting a LV bag for her work and if money allows for more, a name card holder to go along! heheh

3/ do lazik - still considering cos my degree have not stablise..

4/ do braces - Dr Mavis suggested that i do only if i have extra money time..if not, no need for it.

5/ rebond / perm hair? - rebonded my hair last year in Oct 11, not sure if i will have the courage to perm my hair..haha

6/ fren will be happy when with me - She should be happy with me for the time being, heheh..hope i dun irritate her or make her angry. :P

7/ good health to my parents, myself, my sis, bro and fren - i'm praying for their good health and well being everyday, added Min sis into my list too!

8/ promoted or progression to doing sales in Gaven's team - no promotion, but am happy that i got a rating 2 for 2011 GPM! should be moving over to Gaven's team in april as BDM..excited yet scared that i wont be able to perform.I must stay focus and determined.

Oh ya..accomplised something that i'm so proud of myself!

We (shue, yapi, min sis and myself) completed a 30KM night cycling event! within 2hrs! (to be exact, i have timed, its 1hr n 50mins) heheh :D

I wouldnt have done it without min sis there to look out for me and encouraging me! shes a motivator by nature, thus i have full confidence she will do extremely well in her new role now!

Thats all for myself!

Am happy at the moment, except that work turns for a worse. I need to support 8-9 RMs now?! m sure the BDM position came along w a purpose..i will take whatever comes along and decide.

Come what may..

Jeppy has been promoted to AVP..:\ how can that be possible right?! i mentioned before that if she got promoted with that kind of work performance, i would leave. However, since there is a BDM position for me,i will try that out 1st.I'm hoping everything will turn out well! for Min sis and myself!

Jia you

M actually hoping that Ber will be able to help her..pray that Ber has a broader mind, aids her in her career progression.If cant help, at least don't be a hinder.
Praying and hoping that Mama, Papa and everyone in my family has good health, stay safe and happy.

Hoping that work goes smoothly, the way we want it.

Hoping and praying for world peace..Thanks!