Last day of 2013

Today is the last day of year 2013. I thought 2012 was tough.. Never did I expect 2013 to be worse.. How I wish all these were nightmares.. But I know I can never turn back time anymore. 

Life without my bestest Fren sucks~ I never once expected u will really leave me.. I'm so silly. I rem I've said a few times to u that in the event if I made u unhappy, I will leave ur life. Now I know it's impossible for me to do so.. I can never do that cos I really wanna spend my every min every sec w u. I wan every part of my growing up life to have u in it.. However for the past 1 year, my life was totally without u. I'm surprised I'm still able to be here typing out my last blog for the year.. I went into depression unknowingly.. My weight jus dropped fr 47kg all the way to 38kg.. But I managed to climb back to the now 44kg and still going up at the rate I'm binging on the junk food.. This is bad.. 

The times I cry without a reason has significantly reduce.. But recently I noticed I have been crying from my dream.. Wat is going on? 

My mama's health isn't really good and it really worries me.. At 1side I wanna give up on myself.. I wan ago without food, I wanna feel sad just the way I feel and don't wanna care about a lot of things..I smoke occasionally and I dread doing that..  But another side, I wanna keep myself healthy. I went jogging as and when I feel like and hv the energy cos I wanna be there anytime for my mama. I don't want her to worry about me.. Which I can tell she is.. I'm so sorry to those who cares and is worrying for me.. But sometimes, I jus can't help it. Many a times, I look at mama and wish I could tell her straight in her eyes that her daughter is really unhappy and sad.. But I can't.. It's tough.. I feel lonely. Not cos I need someone to be with me.. But I feel lonely cos my only Fren no longer wants me anymore.. 

Early this year, I got to know that Joey has left salon for her studies from Alice. I thought that's temporary but behind my back of my mind, I thought for a sec they might hv fallen out like me and u. Of c so I wish it's not the case.. They have been ferns for so long. How c an relationship/friendship be so vulnerable?!

Recently, Alice asked if me n u is alright. Did u tell her  about us? She wanna asked me more I could tell.. But I don't wish to say anything n told her I'm positive we will be alright. That's what I told ur mum too. I choose to believe that we will be back to how we used to be.. 

Regardless how signs and your action are telling me how u don't wish to contact me, how u don't want me to be in your life anymore.. I believe you have ur reason for doin so. I'm sad.. That u blocked me from u. I'm sad.. That I'm no loner part of your life.. I'm sad, that u can really jus don't contact me.. Totally ignoring me.. But I choose to believe you have your good reason and is for the good so us. I'll wait patiently.. Regardless how long. Like what u always tell me.. We will never give up on our family. I will never give up on you my Fren. 

I miss ah boi, your parents, and you. 

I pray for your well beings.. I pray you will b happy everyday. I pray you can live your life to the fullest, the way you like it to be. I pray we will be frens forever. Happy 2014 Fren. U know I'm always here. 

Thanks for your SMS on Xmas eve eve. Appreciate your Xmas wish. Hope you like this iPad air fom me. 

Quote: 命里把一个达浪带走，必定还给你一个达浪。 

Wishes for 2014;

I hope my mama's health will improve , and she will be happy

I hope that my papa can retire happily.. Good health and happy too! 

My Fren and friends are happy 

My god parents are in good health

Ah boi is healthy and happy, long life *sniff sniff*

I have a good career progression and good pay raise and earn a lot of money

 

May everything go smoothly and better for me and everyone! 

Loves~

last year same day

exactly a year back..we just came back from BKK. It was our last trip together.. for now. I hope its not forever.. Well it was an enjoyable trip though i was not feeling really good. I had bad food poisoning the night before and was LS-ing and Vomitting quite badly.. Im so grateful to have you with me at times like this. It was a memorable trip to remember..

a year has pass by just like this..actually it was not like what i said so easily..it didnt pass by this easily..

life was tough without you.. you would not know what i've been through. Likewise, i would not have known what you have gone through.. i'm not happy..never once happy in this past 1 year ever since i knew you and her were together.. its just like yesterday. I remembered i was at USS w my family and you sms-ed me that you are going for a movie w her and dinner at Vivo..ever since that day, my life has changed drastically.

Actually you have made my life changed.. we could have been happier. but you have chosen to ignore me.. perhaps you are happier this way, i respect you. I'll deal with myself, my own emotions. you dont owe me anything..u r not responsible for me too.. I should be in control of my own life.. I've chosen to be unhappy without you. I've allowed myself to be in this state..

through out this year..i have tried to live my life without you. To accept the fact that you have given up on me, your sis, your fren for 13years.. i tried to do things that i used to do with you..but without you this time round. i wana show myself that i can do that. of cos i can..but the feeling is different. its missing something. you are missing from my life.. that's what is missing. i tried travelling, going movies / play, shopping with friends and alone.. its a new experience i agree.. but something is just not right. every single process, i'll be reminded of you. only by going through all these motions did i realise that it has been the most wonderful part of my life to have known you. i've never regretted knowing you. i only regretted not being a better fren for you..and losing you.

the recent SHE concert was good..if only you were there. i was enjoying myself in the concert and suddenly, tears will jus appear..u r missed dearly by me.. The words on the envelope you asked Sasa to pass to me, i hope you really meant what you wrote..: not the time yet, thanks
i'm feelin hopeful cos of these 5 words..i'll wait patiently for u.

for all these years, i thought i can be independent and can be single..it didnt occur to me that cos i always have you around to accompany me. that's why i dont feel lonely.. i understand one day you will need to find your love and life..i dont wish and hope for anything. i only wana be your sis, your fren for life..till we grow old.

i hope you will be happy.. and happy w me in your life too. i really hope in this past year, you have learnt what is dear to you and you have the ability to hold on to what you want., please dont be like me.. im such a failure.

thanks for always being taking good care of me.. regardless what happen, you will always be on my mind. and i will pray for your well being.. 

TW WO U

I'm going on another trip without u..mixed feeling. I wana show you I don't need you, but rather, I want you in my life..forever. This kind of feeling sucks to the max. Rightfully I should be feeling happy, excited cos I'm going on a holiday! but..i just cant seems to find the joy.. I'm kinda depressed..sad that I'm really going without you. I looked at the photo I always have beside my bed.. Its of you and me, taken on 2011, July 27. That's the date we went to TW together, just the 2 of us. When will I be able to go oversea with you again?

I don't know what and how to feel anymore. This trip will be just another grocery shopping to me..nothing feels special or exciting anymore.. I'll get you the MagicShop primer and Facial wash..wish you could tell me what you want from there for now. Really hope my next trip will be with you. I realised no matter what we do or where we go, so long it's with you, it feels special and fun. I know you don't feel the same.. I'm sorry for causing you so much hurts all along. I should have been more sensitive and know what to do. If only I knew, things would not have turn out this way right my fren? 

Feels nothing but regrets only.. My 2nd largest regrets so far.

感恩

我们几乎每一天都会认识新的人，并有可能与他们结为朋友。朋友也分成很多不同等级。利用你的，hi and bye的，虚假的，真心的。妳的一生能遇见几个真心的能？机率会有多高？应该上辈子需积很多福吧。

我很glad我时常有贵人帮助，扶我一把。谢谢Mel 时不时都会在工作上提醒我，帮我。谢谢sasa会在我一个人，做一些傻事时跟我说她心疼我。谢谢nur，虽然不见面，但一直的motivate 我，encourage 我要positive! 最重要是我的家人。though 很多事不和你们分享，是应为不想要你们担忧，但你们无微不至的关怀，以胜过一切，以足够了。还有妳。不管妳生在何处，妳一直是我的良师好友，我的精神支柱，我的好姐姐。我希望妳也能和我一样，一直有人在妳最需要或失落时，扶妳一把，倍伴着妳，照顾妳。我一直相信，我们的友谊，缘分，是一辈子的。 现在的妳，请暂时提我好好照顾自己。妳比任何人都还来的重要。

Dreams

These few days I dreamt more than usual.. Of u. Bits n pieces everywhere.. I'm happy to see u in my dreams. Jus the night before, I dreamt of myself walkin home in a dark alley. In woods I think. I was lost., n was feelin scared. Seems like the place is haunted.. Jus as I was about to scream and run, u appeared, grab my hand and ran. I can feel you were equally scared.. N u do not know where to run to. But u just came back for me when u could have jus walked away, to somewhere safe. I'm thankful for having you in my life.. Really thankful to have u. Please come back my sis.. I need u to be by my side..

slow death..

Quote: We were meant to lose people we love.How else would we know how important they are?

time does not make one forgets, it only make one notices how important you are and how much one cannot live without..

Im in living hell now~ what should i do? i cant stop thinking of you..cant stop thinking of our past..cant stop thinking what exactly happened..cant stop thinking what makes you do this..cant stop the pain..cant stop the hurt..cant stop the tears..cant stop the sadness..  i really misses u so much. do u feel the same?
i just dont understand..m i such a bad fren? do u hate me this much? why wld we turn out this way?
i jus hope we can be back like last time..i know u like to hv freedom..just dont ignore me.. i promise you i wont be so reliance on you anymore..i promise i'll change..

I always know you are this important to me..from the very 1st day i know you.

Living dead..

It's been 194 days since the day.

I need to go jogging.. I need to study my jap.. I need to catch up on dramas..I need to meet friends for dinner.. For movies.. I need to do a lot a lot a lot of things to keep my mind off from thinking of you every min n sec when I'm free.. Help! I need help! I really needed help.. I cant help myself anymore.. I dunno wat to do anymore.. Someone please.. Please help me.. I really dunno what I can do..

I've been trying ways and means to search for an answer.. I needed an answer. Please.. Tell me what's wrongs. I need to know so that I can change . Please don't forsake me.. 

Life without you around have been really tough.. Tougher than what I can imagine. It's like, I know u r there.. But I can't be with you. We cant be back to how we were last time.. N u r the one who initiated this.. I don't understand why. I must hv caused u a lot of miseries.. We're u glad that you have put a stop to us? Are u truly happy? 

Many years back I once said, in any point of time of I caused u miseries, I'll leave your life. Easier sai than done.. I'm in living hell now. I really don't know why to do but pray every day every chance that I've got.. Pray that we will be back together again.. Pray that we will 破镜重圆,pray that you will have me in your heart still and would love to have me back in your life.. Is this ever possible again? 

I rather die if we were never ever contact again. Just let me die.. I didnt know life without you could be so miserable. I've treated you with sincerity always.. Please know no matter what, knowing you is the proudest and happiest thing I've every done in my life. No regrets.. My only regrets will be not able to make you happy and free from miseries. I'm sorry..

Accepting reality

U hv found someone better than me. I'm glad. I know I'm not the best friend n sis. I always bring u troubles n problems more than happiness. Uve made a right choice. What else can I do? Even though I don't wish for us to turn out this way., I'm not given a choice. Uve already chosen.. To let go of me. No matter how hard I try n how long I hang on.. I'll be only hurting you n myself. I've lotsa of regrets up to this point of time. I never knew we would end up this way. I always thought we can pull through all difficulties and be bestest Fren n Sis till the day we grow old n die. We made a pact didn't we. U always tell me in the past that there's no givin up on kinship. What else Shld I be Tinkin of now that all is clearly shown right in front of my eyes? I kept coming up w reasons.. For why u t doing this. The bdae trip to bkk by mysel is the ultimatum. I always thought I can b alone by myself.. N that u r the one who cannot b alone. I'm so wrong.. Terribly wrong.. I never knew I relied on u so much. Every single place we went to together could jus make me break down in tears.. Even in public. I gues that's cos I'm alone in a foreign country.. More vulnerable. What hv u gone through? Mus b living hell for u too my Fren.. I hope I can take your place n suffer instead. Seeing u this unhappy is the last thing I ever wana see.i thought I can b strong for ur sake., I'm jus a good for nothing. Having u decode to let go of me wasn't easy too n u mus hv gone thru painful period too. I'm sorry. I couldn't do anything for u. Perhaps respecting your decision ur choice is the last thing I can do for u.. As ur Fren, as ur sis. I will not hate u..i never will.i promise if there's  nex life n I get to meet u, I'll treasure u.

My kind of frenship,kinship

If u think telling me u hate me or telling others u hate me is going to make me go away from your life, u r wrong! YES I'm upset that u treated me this way, treated our frenship jus this way. It means nothing to you when compared to your love. I will accept this fact that you think this way but hell, I Will NOT leave u! I'll be here for u regardless what happen. No matter how much I don't concur with your thinking and doings sometimes, how much I feel you treated me shabbily at times readily to discard, I think I will still standby you, supporting you and catching you when you fall. Anytime when you needed me. This is maybe what you refer as frenship, kinship. There's no temp thing.. So stop telling me it's only temp. It's either u do it or u don't. U want or you don't. U can make changes or u can't. I came w a pure n simple heart accepting u as my bestest Fren, my dear sis. I'm sure u too. Pls dun forget this..it's a lifetime promise. I sincerely hope for the best for u.

Firm

At times I really wish you would stand strong and firm and fight for what we believed in.. That we are nothing but purely sisters n best frens only.. But u didn't. U let everything fall, u Lose focus and u shut me out fr ur life.. Trying to prove to her that u can do without me. That she is most impt to u. Wats there to prove in e 1st place when it has always been like this? Why mus u make changes and in the end makes everything so messy? Why didn't u stand firm n convince her it's not the case again? What happened to u halfway? Where's e u I know? If u cld do this to someone who u 口口声声says it's ur best bud for more than 10yrs, how can another person place completely trust in u? Maybe I'm the naive one.. I dunno how's it's like n how crazy it is to fall in love. All I know it's love have taken over ur mind n u r crazy.. I'm crazy too cos of u..

how to be ur good fren

I really dunno what I've done wrong.. Y r u treating me this way. I jus wan to be ur Fren ur sis. Why Izit so hard? U mus be thinking I'm more of a trouble n nuisance to u now that's y u r shutting me out fr ur life. U need her more than me..of cos.That's y u r not contacting me anymore. Just like this? What happened? I refused to accept that this might be the reason. Cos I know u r not like this. I know u. U must be havin a hard time too. But u simply can't have me n her together  in your life thus u need to make a choice. What happened to what you said when u told me to trust n believe you. That you will make this work? What happen to me oso? Jus 3 days n I'm flustered n worried you might really leave me le.. What happened to me too? Why m I feeling scared and worried? Y?

I cannot think right and cannot focus. My life is in a mess now. I always know if you were to leave me 1 day I'll go crazy. I really m going to now. Pls can you at least tell me I'm just worrying myself? I jus need to give you time off to settle your prob w her. For her to trust you. For her to feel she is your most impt person. I dun need to be your most impt person in your life. I never feel I'll be the one. I jus wana be there for you during your sad and happy moments. Maybe not Everytime but at least you will share w me part of your life. I jus wana be your sis n Fren for life. To be with you in your life journey. Not missing out in any of the stages growing old w u.Not just havin frens n sis in title only. I'm feeling v upset n confused. I dunno y u can jus do that. Jus ignoring me totally out of the blue. How did u do that? Teach me.. I would not be feeling this way If I can do half as good as u. Pls can u tell me ur plans? I will try my best to accommodate. But I need time. Pls bear w me. U know I'll do anything for u but I need more time n I need ur assurance.i can't do this all alone.. Not when I hv so many doubts. Pls I beg u not to leave me. I can't live without u I swear. I hate to see u unhappy. But y m I always the one who brings u unhappiness? Is there nothing u r happy w me about? I thought of what u r doing now is only temp.. But I'm afraid ull get used n not want me anymore. How can i not feel this way?Can u do better den me? This is not how frens Shld b n behave.. I'm not sure how but if we are unhappy, I dun tink it's right. Pls talk to me soon. We need to talk. I'm sure we can work things out. Pls Fren.. Dun leave me this way.. This is not the 1st time u've ignored me. It happened years back when u ignored me for 3nths +. I know u were angry w me then.. But I never knew what it was over.. Now it's happening again n the scary part is, I dun even know if u r unhappy w me or jus dun feel like havin me in ur Fren list anymore. I Need some enlightenment fren. Pls help me..U can do without me anytime i know..i cant.

Trust, believing you

U gave me ur trust, i gave you mine too.This is only temporary..i must support and help you in your quest to win another person's trust..i believe i can do it.I believe you when you say you will not leave me, will not allow me to leave your life.I believe you when you say alot of things we can still do, just that frequency reduced, but will not be totally removed..I believe you when you say you are trying your best to make everything work, i really do. I believe you, cos you are my fren, my mimi lim.I believe everything you said and trust you. You are ignoring me now cos its the best thing to do inorder to win her trust for you. This is only temporary..i will hold on for you.I will adapt for you.I will believe for you.I will do anything for you.We will be frens for life, sisters forever..please believe i can do it for you.i can do it.if you don't let go of me, i wont too.

Aries, my fren

【值得一生珍藏的星座 前五名】
第一名：白羊座
白羊座是最值得你珍惜的星座，白羊座總是能在你迷失的時候幫你找到自我，也許白羊座可能平時會花很多的時候在工作上，可是她的心卻一直有你，雖然沒有表現出來，但是她們的內心就像一團火一樣，在關注著你，如果你一遇到不開心，白羊座敏銳一下子就覺察到了。而且在工作上白羊座也能助你一臂之力，可謂是愛情和工作上最好的伴侶。

哈哈！

我一直以为我们想法一致一样，但现在好象不是了。我是妳的讨厌鬼。妳的绊脚石。你是这样想的。不是吗？我很可笑。😄哈哈

06012013

I did a v stupid thing today..n i dunno why i did it..
i feel v negative..v v negative. i dunno how to be positive..i jus wan you to be happy..n me to be happy.
y izit so difficult? haiz..i can accept whoever u love into my life..but teach me what to do if that person doesnt like me in ur life.. though v v negative, i still TRUST u. Cos u r my fren.. i'll be here for u no matter wat.
I need the assurance..pls tell me i can trust u always.

Lost world

Y m I feelin worried again? Such feelin hasn't come since yvo times.. I'm feelin v lost too. Jus cos I Cldnt contact u. I tried to slp at home..but I rushed down to ur place n realized u r not home. I'm worried. Whr cld u hv gone to alone? U dun like to b alone but u r out by urself. I dunno whr to find u n here I m sitting outside staring into blank.. Jus waiting for ur call or MSG.. 

I'm relieved that u finally SMS me. I really do. I know u r lost, I try to tell u to do things to occupy urself. Even I can't do so.. Y did I give u such a difficult task.. I m such a lousy Fren.. I feel sad for u but there's nothin I can do. Y m I so powerless? I only wan u to be happy. N myself to be happy. Y is it so hard to achieve.. 

I'm lost too. U r too.. In our own world. Can I be positive once again m stay focus? I'm losing my mind. I dunno wat to do.. 

Welcoming 2013

Its the 1st working day of 2013! Happy New Year to all! especially to you know who you are..
As much as i try hard to make everything good to welcome the new year, maintaining high spirit and positive, my body still fails me.I felt sickly tdy..sore throat, tummy ache and nauseous.. hmm..pls let me be well again.Only then i can have the energy to stay very positive, and not do stupid stuffs/things which might hurt people around me, especially people whom i care alot.

Thanks for spending 29 Dec with me..shopping for your Xmas present at funan the whole afternoon, treating me to Melben for crab feast..Thanks for spending time with me. I made a stupid mistake, cos i was being greedy.I thought i could steal another night with you..i made a terrible mistake and i regretted it immediately.The last thing i wana do is make you angry and sad.. That's what i always say when you are angry with me, when i made you sad..but somehow i always did it.I always regret big time, but i never seems to learn..This time, i really made up my mind.I need to be the one making changes,,for you i will put in my best to do it.. I shall stay out of your life..i would not ask you out nor ask if we are meeting..i'll be there for you only when you needed me..i shall not give you unnessary pressure..I do not want you to be caught in between.You are a good sis, my bestest fren..i do not want you to be unhappy cos of me..i want you to be proud to know me, to be my sis, till we are old. I wish and hope you will find happiness, i really do from the bottom of my heart..i hope you can feel my sincerity..but at the same time, i dun wish to see you so tired and unhappy..i dunno wat i can do.U can always give me really good advises, for me to see things clearly..but i seems not able to do so..perhaps giving you some time and space off from me is the best i can do for you now.
U asked what i was unhappy w on that day..i couldnt answer you.Cos i do not know.
You asked whether izit i feel you have no time for me, or that i feel you will not want me anymore..
Yes i felt the above..and i felt sad cos maybe i pity myself.That why you can leave me for others within such a short time frame..that you can forgo what we have been doing together over past few years for the company of another person. I dun understand what is Love, that's why i cannot understand.However i'm beginning to put myself in your shoes to think..i need understand that you have the rights to persue your happiness on your own.I forgot the purpose of my existence. Im here to make you happy, to ensure you dont feel alone and for you to find your happiness. Since you have found it, i should be glad and leave..but i forgotten feelings arent like equations, where minus and plus you get an end result.. there's too much involved..
I believe i can do it..pls give me strength..for your sake.i will have to do it..I trust you..

Hope 2013 will be a better year for everyone, especially my family, u and me. :) Love ya always~