Just wana be happy

I dunno why I'm overwhelmed by sadness. I hate this kind of feeling. I dun wana be sad. I dun wana be unhappy w someone over what they've done or what they should have done.. Only I can make changes to stop myself from being so u happy. I'm sad too cos I do not know what I should do. A ment I thought I hv decided on what to do, the nex moment i feel it's not right again..  It's torturing me. My soul is badly battered..  I really dunno what I can do to stop all these.. I just wana be happy. It's so hard..

D day

If u rem wat It means, 31st dec 12 will be our D Day. :(

Signals

It's so weird.. When my mind is in a swirl n I cannot decide wat I Shld do.. Was Tinkin if letting go is e best thing for me to do, to free her n myself.. But sasa jus randomly watsapp me, n I wondered if it's a signal. To tell me I can't b on my own. I cannot be without u. U r far impt den I actually know. Wat Shld I do? I'm unhappy now.. I dunno whtr I Shld hold on or let go.. But signs are tellin me to be strong. How long can I b this way?

My heart says I dun wana be out of your life..

before Xmas 2012

we have all survived 21 Dec 12 !! i'm glad.. :) we are all safe and sound.. Thank 神s~!

i feel i haven been a really good fren.. i said things just to spite her.. like when my mum asked why i haven been staying over at your place..i told my mum you are bz, office alot of event..but when i told u what i said to my mum, i said you have got to know another friend and have lesser time for me.. i dunno y i did that.. agnoising over why is did that..i didnt say that i swear..i dun wish to admit it is the case..

When Yanpeng asked me why u are not free, i thought the best answer will be to say you have another gathering to attend..but you seems not happy at my reply. I know my answer could be better then..but what should i say? i really dunno..

Im v happy to see u..but when i know each time i meet you or stay over at your place you will need to lie, i dun feel happy. i wondered what you will do if u r in my situation..i really wish to know..will u be better den me? or worse off..
I felt as if we are doing something sneaky, something 见不得光。。 i hate this kind of feelin..
i know u r always doing your best to spend time w me whenever you can..u dun need to tire yourself this way for me..im just your sister. nobody too impt.. you can definately do without me..i must keep reminding myself that you can do without me anytime..you don't need me in your life..this way i wont sink further in.This way i wont forget and expect alot again..this way i wont get any disappointments..i dun wish to tink this way, but i guess this is the best for us both.. you have made your choice. i shld learn to do so for myself too..i will learn..

thanks for being there for me fren..i still hope i can do the same for you too! forever..but is there a thing call forever? i might want to..but do you? does situation allows?
thanks for being my reader..cos im a book..and i need you to tell me who i am..

thanks for reassuring me that im a loyal person towards something or someone who i love..i just have alot of new interests..and they changes pretty fast.. it's always nice to have you with me.. even though i might have alot of unhappiness, alot of worries each time before meeting you..but when im w you, everything mirculously just dissipated.. gone. im surprised too..but u r always able to make me change my thoughts abt my decisions..i dunno how u do it..but u jus did it everytime without fail.
U might not even know u have done it n how you do it..but it jus happen. Sometimes i hated it..i hated myself for being not strong willed enough..but im glad you are able to change my mind everytime..perhaps thats how and why we are able to be frens, sisters for so long..my mimi lim. tell me wats next to come..

would you dare admit that i did all these above cos you are this impt to me?

the post before 211212

what if tomorrow is end of world like what the Mayans has predicted?
I've totally no idea what i would do..probably i'll do my usual stuffs.. My mama papa jiejie minghui knows i love them..my mimi lim oso know i love them..i have no regrets. but if only im given a 2nd chance..i would relive my life again in a better manner... i would be hard working and earn alot of money..i would be braver and tell the one i love that i love her and wana look after her for life.. i would not let myself ever have any regrets if its within my control..i could have done better 12years back..
what i can do now is bravely accept whatever comes along..welcome the future.. i wana my family to be healthy and happy always..i wan my mimi lim to be happy too..That's probably the best gift i can ask for..
Pray everyone will be safe, healthy and happy forever..

loves~

losing u..

Yes thats what has been haunting me every now and then..creeping into my thoughts even when im preoccupied with work..u prefer and have chosen to b w her over me. ur priorities were never once me. i'm jus a nobody..who wldnt be sad? im only human too. u say im understanding..u r wrong..im actually not.but what else can i do but self deceive myself that everything is gonna be just fine? im jus not accepting the fact and still thinks that one day everything will turn out jus fine..its pricking me every now and then..reminding me that i'm forsaken..you have been and will always be my priority..but sadly, i'll never be urs. U will never be happy and contented just being w me..this is a fact that i have to accept..what else can i do? Im unhappy..i oso dunno wat is happening to me..can someone pls tell me?

i thought u have chosen a path where u'll be happy..at least 1 of us is happy..its worth while. but y r u equally unhappy? What have u done? why do something that makes everyone unhappy?or izit something that ive done wrongly that makes u unhappy being w me? is this the best choice you can make fren? m i given any choice? i wana very much to help..but im helpless.. i know im one of the person who caused u to be unhappy..u felt obliged somehow to me..that u've neglected me. u know im very unhappy..thus u felt sorry. i dun need u to apologise..whats the point of it? i wan u to be w me, spend time w me cos u wana..not cos u felt the obligation to do so..u can never understand how it feels like to know u r actually a burden to someone who u care and love dearly..i dunno what im feelin too..a moment i thought i can understand and think for u, the next im jus as confused.. i need a break through.. can u be my mimi lim again?can we be like before?

wat happen if

Wat happen if u suddenly realise all along you have been living in another person's shadow? (random thoughts)
Wat happen if u suddenly realise u prefer the old u?
Wat happen if u suddenly realise wat u have done is not the best for all including urself?

Wat happen if?

Living in another person's shadow so what? if u have been doing so and lasting for so long, means that person is worth u doing so..
Prefers the old u? or do u actually mean the old life style? u can always be the old u anytime u wish, cos u control ur action, behaviours n thinking..but getting back to the old life style that you have already given up? difficult cos time is not something u can turn back once u have decided to move on to another kind of lifestyle..a pity..
If ur approach is not bringing the best results and not accepted by all, den just please yourself. It should be much easier to do so then trying to please everyone else but yourself..

Im sad that my fren is feeling unhappy..shes always strong but yet she breaks down 'in front' of me..i feel her hurt, her unhappiness n her disappointments in that moment..wanted very much to help her. But wat can i do? I thought she should be in her happiest state now that she found someone she likes and able to spend time w..why is she feeling unhappy still? what izit that she is looking for besides this? I hope she can find the ans for herself..
Please let me be able to help my fren still..

images..

今天跟以往一样忙。。开户开户。。不过忙的当儿，断断续续浮现了我们出国的images..都是我们在争吵的片段。。 :( 为什么今天会这样奇怪呢？不清楚。。或许我有些遗憾。感觉现在跟她在一起的时间越来越少。可惜。为什么当时浪费美好时光在逗气，弄得我们都不开心，应好好珍惜在一起的时光。but 我们没有。。突然间我有失落的感觉。 :(

我们真的能像这样一直维持下去吗？我很尽力配合了，不给她问题。不给她烦恼，让她开心的做她喜欢和爱做的事，和她爱的人在一起。i know she also tries her best to spend time w me when she can..但，我不是很快乐。我好像好想念我们每天能见面，能谈天，能一起共餐的日子。那段我们‘相依为命’，只有对方的日子。她为了她的幸福放弃了吗？我还是会支持。。因为这也是我喜欢的她。    

your qualities..

are what kept you attractive the way you are..jus be yourself. love ya always~

Assurance

thanks for giving me the assurance that I always needed n seeked for from u fren. U know me very well..like a book. I really need all these assurances too..not just u. im always able to find my securities fr u. That's y i have always been so contented. I need to rely more on myself now..cos i realised u wont always be there for me. we all need to be independent..However, i wld still like to thanks u for being there for me fren, as always. I dun tink there's anyone who doesnt need constant assurance so u r no exception too.dun worry fren..u r not alone. Hope im able to be ur support forever, someone u can always trust n rely on. i'll put myself in ur shoes n think everytime and everything for u. I'll work hard for u fren. Cos u wan me too. N i wan to for u. Jiayou! Hope u can be forever happy de. :)

Define: Taken for granted

... ... .... .

以前喜欢的一首歌

陶喆 - 普通朋友


词曲: David Tao
专辑： Power Of Live 影音记录珍藏盘

等待
我随时随地在等待
做你感情上的依赖
我没有任何的疑问
这是爱
我猜
你早就想要说明白
我觉得自己好失败
从天堂掉落到深渊
多无奈
我愿意改变 （what can I do?）
重新再来一遍（just give me change）
我无法只是普通朋友
感情已那么深
叫我怎么能收手
但你说
I only want to be your friend
做个朋友
我在
你心中只是just a friend
不是情人
我感激你对我这样的坦白
但我给你的爱暂时收不回来
So I
我不能只是be your friend
I just can’t be your friend
我猜
你早就想要说明白
我觉得自己好失败
从天堂掉落到深渊
多无奈
我愿意改变 （what can I do?）
重新再来一遍（just give me change）
我无法只是普通朋友
感情已那么深
叫我怎么能收手
但你说
I only want to be your friend
做个朋友
我在
你心中只是just a friend
不是情人
我感激你对我这样的坦白
但我给你的爱暂时收不回来
So I
我不能只是be your friend
I just can’t be your friend
我不能只是做你的朋友

Love

真爱是无敌的！love knows no boundaries!

Proud of u! (as always)

Im so proud of u! even everyone says so..! U are always so encouraging to us when we needed support. i wana do the same for u too! I hope i can do so and be your bestest sis. Love ya sis!

Dec 2012

My Dec 2012 has started very well..I am happy.
I accompany my dearest fren to Asus's service center.spent a good 2hrs waiting and sadly, need to spend $600-900+ to get it repaired! a pity, we aren't spending so much just to get it repaired of cos..rather get a new set.. so, we decided to shop for a new laptop, and that i'll be chipping in for her Xmas present! yea~ :)
Oh ya, we both got our new Samsung Note 2 officially today!! hehe* M excited about it..haha.I need my fren to help me play w it..yes, im an idiot when it comes ot gadgets..hahah! m i a bimbo? nooo!!
I jus have no flair for it la..
Anyway, we went off to Marina Sq after the repair is declined to shop for Xmas gifts..it was raining cats and dogs on our way..super cold and both of us did not bring any sweater out! The moment we arrived at Marina Sq, we went to search for sweater..lol.
In e end, we got ourselves a cardigan each from Mango. I got it as a small gift for her..suits her well. She looks nice this weekend anyway. :) *hers black and mine, baby pink*
Time was abit rush cos we are meeting the ladies (Mary, Sol, Brigitte, Nur and family) at 5pm at Millenia Walk for dinner at halal restaurant Fika.
The serving is so big! We both shared a plate (for 2) of seafood lobsters pasta..so filling. But it seems like we havent been dining, sharing food for awhile. I very much treasured the time we had the whole day, just the 2 of us. While being very happy, i felt abit sad cos i know i wont be able to have the luxury of going out w her, with her companionship as and when like the past.. Our get together depends on the approval of another person now.. How do i not hate her when i dont even know her? M i a saint to start w? sadly, im jus a human, your fren..
Anyway, dinner was ok.But after that, we were at a lost cos we didnt know what to do and where to go.After walking around Suntec City for awhile, Nur n family left. We took a grp pic before that. It was a nice pic.Dunno if im sensitive, but i tink she is afriad that i'll stand too close to her..I seems to have given her alot of inconveniences, or izit the other person who is imposing alot over her..i dunno.
We chit chatted quite abit yest, among the grp, between the 2 of us. We had a good laugh when we recalled the every 1st time we went shopping together for Shitian's bdae present at Suntec City.Amazingly, the CD shop is still around! after a decade..haha! I told her i rem that time where she was so focus in making a box to put the VCDs, and she drooled! Hahha..i dun mean to laugh at her but, such memories are so nice. It makes us feel close once again..like we hasnt leave each other life even once after so long.We came such a long way, all the more we should treasured each other. I should be stronger..At Starbuck, (just 5 of us without Nur n family), we randomly chatted and were all excited over Sol's wedding. Cos we'll be touring Philippines during the trip too, which will be in Aug 2013! M really excited that i might get to go on a trip w my dearest sis again.. I dun wana tink tis way de..but no choice,I know my sis well.. If the other person doesnt like it, most likely she wouldnt do it. She can do exactly what she did when she was w Yvo, askin me not to go BKK. Why cant she do the same now? She can tell me she cant go holiday w me..cos that person (Yvo the 2nd) doesnt like it..Shes always the follower when it comes to r/s..which is so not the Mimi i like and know..perhaps thats why we will never be an item, in the past no, now no, future no too..She will never like me, cos im a follower of her.
I was fortunate to get to stay over at her place yest..thank you so much. But pls, if its a risk, i prefer u dun take it. I told u before that i don't wana cause any troubles to u. Let me feel unhappy or sad, let me bear all the ridiculous pains and everything..I'll do it for u.I'll endure for u..cos i cant bear for you to be unhappy n sad. I cant bear to see u being lonely..
Im happy to see Ah Boi..(sniff sniff*), still the same oh ah boi, i miss u sooo much! kiss kiss*
Im happy to be able to hug my bois to slp..i really miss them.Was tinkin over past few days if i should bring them back, but i tink no. They shld be at her plc de. I'll visit them n hug them when i get the chance..
Im happy to see Godma and Godpa..both of them looks the same, happy and healthy. Im happy that they have asked for me..i miss them too. :)
Im happy to be staying overnight at her place, slping by her side, waking up seeing her beside me. Im very contented already.
We went Westmall to shop for our microsim card and hp cover for our new Note 2. Afterwhich, we went Ber's place for lunch (cooked by SJ) and played w Enen..Today she was feelin abit cranky..(maybe uncomfy cos of teeth growing?) but still very cute..hehhe.
I love En En..she is sooo adorable.. :) Hope to play w her soon again!
We left around 6pm. Fren told me she needs to rush cos the other person is not working and she just got to know.Fren told me she is unhappy, and that she is worried. I can sense her anxiety..this is something i can never see her feelin for me de..
We parted around 6pm.

She told me Yvo and that person are the only 2 that asked her the qn - why she likes them.
Sometimes i wana very much ask her the same too..but not why she likes gals..but y them. Maybe its only me..but as her best fren cum sis, i wan someone who is good for her.Someone who truly likes her, (not make use of her), someone who can make her happy, (not tired) and someone who don't control her (but maybe that's why she likes them)
How can i possible be friend to this person, when all the vibes i got from her is so similar to Yvo? Its so difficult to say bye to Yvo, its like finally we got ourselves out of the shit hole..why would she jump in another..and why would i jump in w her? This time round, i wana be the on looker.I wana be objective and be able to tell her whos good and whos not for her from far.. I know once im in the same hole, i cant see clearly again..I wana be there for her, to be able to pull her out of the hole if she chooses to.
The thing i dun like about that person is, i tink she is not as simple as she seems.Cos of her background, she is far more deep than it seems..her experiences make her a scary person, and her expectation and demands makes people breathless at times.. Thats what i feel about her. I dunno how good she is to my sis. Only she knows and can tell whether the effort she puts in is worthwhile.

I really like my fren's companionship..i like being w her.v simple wish...i thot being her sis is enough. i can be w her like in the past..till the end.
But it seems like im too naive..i din know in order to be with her always, i need to be her partner.. I dunno if im jealous or thinking correctly..I din know only being her partner will bring the whole r/s to another level, a level which supersede all other r/s..a level that allows me to be w her at all times.
I keep tinkin, what is it that she doesnt like about me? Why has she grown tired and sick of my companionship? that's why she prefers someone elses' companionship now.. Im really unwanted once again.Why is this happening? Cos im not her partner..im just her sister.
Is this wat i wan? I love her, but i tink its not that kind of love anymore. But i really just like to be with her..so what does tis say? Im so confused..perhaps someone can tell me what i wan exactly..
I know i cannot bring her happiness..that's why i yearn for her to find someone good.I told her this afternoon to not be so passive, and wait for things to happen, for someone to find her and she just accomodate, make changes to fit into the r/s. Why cant she be the one to look for the right one that suits her? I hope she can be happy..n i tink she will be happier that way. I dun like to see her so tired from all these..she felt burdened..By the 2 of us. Im trying my best already..but she still feels burdened. this is only the 1st month..i wonder whats next to come.. haa. ironically~

They were talking about end of world in 21 Dec 2012..which is a few more days to come.
Do u believe it? I do..but i dont tink its happening yet.
I always tink if its really the end of world, what will i do?
I will not do anything, but perhaps i will tell my loves one my true feeling.
I'll tell my family (mama, papa, minghui and jiejie) that i really love them alot. Its a blessing that im being brought to this world, to be their child, to be their siblings. I cannot ask for more..i am grateful they are always there for me, giving me the supports whenever i need. I love my ah ma very much too..We'll be meeting in another world soon together.. :)
I'll tell my dearest Mimi Lim, that i never once loved some one so much before. I don't like gals, i don't love gals, but i jus like and love her. She jus captured my heart like a thief, there's no explanation. And i just fell madly in love w her then, and perhaps even more madly now so much so that im confused over my feelings. I tink i can almost do anything for her..but im a letdown. Ive no money, im always giving her probs, troubles and disappointment, i dun give her any confidence and assurance..i cant give her happiness. However i would still tell her i love her though she has given me alot alot of heartaches over the years too..If there's a 2nd chance, i would still wana fall in love her like how i did so in JC, but this time round, i will do my best to make her feel the same way i feel for her. I know its crazy but i still love her v much. Thanks for coming to my life..im grateful for knowing you. Though we cant be lovers / partners now, im glad we did once, and that we managed to be sisters, a family now, which is for life. Thanks for always being there for me, taking very good care of me, protecting me like a big sister will do. I wana do the same for u too.I dont wana you to get hurt. I rather myself being the one to take all your sufferings if there is ever any..I'll listen to you n do everything you want me to do within my ability.. so long its good for u fren.I'll protect u w my life.. I love u.
This will be my last words for her..should end of world be coming.

As for now, i'll be her good sister and trustable silly fren for life.. Trust me like i trust u, fren..nothing and nobody can break our r/s. So long we have faith in each other, and truly have a place for each other in that heart of ours. Yes, u must be happy and fortunate.