Breakie for Dec 12

Finally got our Samsung note 2! Haa.. The long awaited phone. Delivered to my office.. Though it'll b better if we can get it tog at the branch like iPhone 2yrs back. Haa.

Can't wait to charge and play w it soon! 

Tml is dec alr! Dec 2012! They say the last day of the world is 121212. Not sure if it's real but I think Dec gonna b a good month for me! I started doing banking sales for officially 6mths! Hope I will like and can do for long for good! I wana earn a lot of money within a short time!! 

Suddenly got strong feeling that dec will have some good happening. I wonder what it is. People see me like 10+ yrs not attached, I feel the other way round instead at times. Haha. But this time, I'm gonna feel the same way others see. It's time for a change. I shouldn't be too contented with my life.. All these are just not enough. I wana work hard for the life I wan. I can't be who I used to be anymore. I need to make changes.. Hope I can do so. While tryin hard to make changes, I hope everyone around me will be happy for me, n be happy themselves too. I love all my friends n family very much. I hope they do n feel the same way for me too. 

Nov has been a long and difficult month for me..I've not felt so unhappy and worse for the longest time and this is the worst in my last 10yrs.. I dun wana ever experience such feeling again..i dun wana always be the loser anymore..i dun wana be such a crybaby anymore..Good bye Nov 12.. i welcome Dec 12~and 2013 and many more months and years to come!

I need breakie. <3 acc="acc" me="me" pray="pray" who="who" will="will">

27.11.2012

I know my sis is unhappy. Of cos will be unhappy and sad. I'm sad for her too. But I want her to be happy with the person who can make her happy too. Not like this.. Can she find the right person so she does not have to go through all these ordeals? She does not deserve all these cos she is a good sis, a really good person, a fantastic my best Fren. She deserved to hv happiness only. I'm not at all like her. She is strong where I m not. If I really leave her, will she be happier? I don't wana be her tripping stone. I jus want to be her angel by her side, protecting her always like what she always do for me.

I hope she can be stronger n move forward. She'll meet a better someone! She will. 

If the person takes thing lightly and is so selfish, she truly doesn't deserve my sis' love and effort at all. This is not abt seeing a future together, but whether she is worth the effort and whether we have happy moments together. I hope she can meet someone who shar same views and sentiments w her. One who can compliments each other. 

When 2 persons are together..

Are all these worth it? I thought only I'm unhappy. Y is my Fren unhappy too? Y is everyone unhappy? Does this means all the efforts put in are wasted? Why mud that person self created so many prob? Y mus that person tink I'm a threat? Y mud that person tink we are such unethical, despicable pple that do things behind pple's back? Where's the TRUST?

I hope Mimi lim can b happy. I hope that person will hope the same too n not be so selfish. 

I'm touched when my Fren says she could not hold back her tears when we talked about leavin each other's life. I can't bear to leave u. I wana grow old w u. I'll do anything for u. Even if it means only sadness for me my Fren, u know that? I wan u to b happy w me. I dun wana be a useless person who brings only prob for u. I'll b sad if u wan me out of ur life.. But I'll do anything for u if u really decided on that. I'll jus need time to adapt.. 

Growing old gracefully..

I didn't expect to go out w min sis n sasa for lunch tdy. I thought I wld say I'm not feelin well. Will not see her. In e end, I went. The lunch turns out well. We chit chatted for awhile fr 1-3.45pm. After that, she wana go Vivo shop for Xmas present. I wana say bye to her but in e end, I acc her to Vivo. I jus can't bear to see her being alone, even for a small period of time. Even I know after that she will say bye to me n I gotta make my way back home myself. I thought I'll be able to stand strong by what I wana do, not meet her for these period. But I can't bring myself to do it.
I did wat I wana do today, but yet I'm afraid I'll go mad again like yesterday again.. N give her probs again. I dun wish to.
M I doin things right? Is this wat she wants? On my way home, I called her. I guessed she will b bored thus I called cos I dun wana her to feel bored. Y hasn't she called me instead? Y? Was she afraid to talk to me?
 I will b ok for ur sake Fren, my Sis.

Somebody MSG me: Haha let's hope that both of us will grow old into nice and caring 👵👴 (grandma and grandpa) hahaha.

He hope that we can all grow old gracefully tog. 

That's wat I hv always told my sis. That I will grow old gracefully w her. 

Shld I jus disappear?

Stupid me.. Y did I hv expectation again? Y did I tink that she will acc me the whole day? Is there a prob w me? Y Izit only I'm the one who wants her companionship? Y doesn't she needs mine any more? Or have this been the case for all these while? She is tired already.. Y dun she jus ignore n let me b? I dun understand? Y when 2 person finds it diff to b tog, wat kept them holdin  on to each other? Y mus I b the one who caused so much probs to her? Y mus it b me? Wat is wrong w me? Y did she showed me she put in effort but on e other hand she told e person that she has acc me enough alr? Y Izit she told me she has nothin to do nothin to shop n nex moment she told e other person she wana shop for stuffs. I dunno whether the thing I feel n see n hear is real. For a moment I really feel she wana us to meet n know each other. I was actually convinced n wana give us a chance to meet n know each other. But the truth is, wat Shld I do? I dunno how to face even my dear sis. Wat is happening? I'm feelin v v weak all of a sudden. I'm confused. I dunno wat to do except to hide n cry. Sometimes  I dunno wat I'm cryin for.  Jus cryin non stop till I feel numb..Is my last day comin? .. I dunno wat to do.. Pls teach me wat to do. I jus wan to b happy. I jus wan u to b happy..

24.11.12

Tell me wat Shld I do. I dunno how tO behave the right way. It's jus me. Imjus human..sorry ur effort gone to waste. I know u r tired. Let's jus not meet if u r.
I really hate myself 

明明就懂妳的用心，但却说那样的话I really hate myself

明明就已经跟知己说我ok,你们因该有全部的时间在一起，但又情绪冲晕头i really hate myself

明明就很在意你，却要叫你不要管我

I really hate myself, 明明就要你能开心，但还是我给你最大的问题

I really hate myself for not being able to be the good sis u wan me to be. U r the best.. I dun deserve your effort. Pls ignore me. I'm jus mad again. I appreciate what uve done for me as always. I ask myself, what hv i ever done for u? Like wise, the problem lies w me, not w u or w others. I'm the root of all problems. I'm sorry my presence has always obstruct u to move forward or do anything. I would not forgo this frenship n kinship we've built too.I'll try harder. If not pls tell me to go away fr ur life if u need to. I'll respect n understand. 

21.11.12

Im beginning to have better appetite..but dunno izit i cannot eat too much still. Everytime after i ate slightly more, i feel discomfort in my tummy n even LS today.
I finally went lunch w my min sis today after so long..together w Sasa. M happy to see them both and lunch w them.. Sasa told min sis that im always so happy. Min sis said thats cos Sasa has not seen me when im sad.. Y wld i wana let others know im sad? I oso wana protect..i dun wish pple to probe..cos i know if they do, i cannot hold back my tears.. n this will lead to more n more probing which i do not wish to. This is my only way to protect myself, and my min sis.. Im not happy, but wat can i do? I dun even wan min sis to know im not happy..i wan her to ease her mind off me, so that she can conc on the stuffs she wana do. Work, n that person, n family n many other stuffs. Her world does not revolve round me only..i understand.
After the dream, i started to set lesser expectations..i realised expectations are what gives you the most disappointments.. Im not happy, im not. But wat can i do? Life goes on..nobody will die from sadness..
Min sis asked me y i can be gd fren w Ber. I dunno cos i hv never thought if it.. I tink it jus came naturally.. But after pondering for awhile, i realised its cos of Min sis..who else?
She set the stage well for us to know each other, n we have gd impressions of each other..We spent time w each other, take care of each other, travel cum shopping mates for years n share gossips like any other girl friends will do.. We meet each other almost every week..I like bernice cos i tink she is worthy of my frenship. Though she has alot of flaws, but who does not? I see her sincerity..most impt, sometimes from her, i find the things that im lacking, even the feeling (sad n happy) that im feeling when im w Min sis. Im always grateful to those who appeared in my life, lend a helping hand lifting me up during my dull days.. I'll rem them for life.. (the gd kind) Most imptly, I see her treating min sis w a sincere heart before..at least thats what i feel.
But im curious, did min sis tell her the same thing abt our history like she told that person now? If yes, i tink Ber has got a really open heart, willing to accept. If no, thats the way to begin w since its all history,Y bring it up?
Im happy for Ber that she has found her love n had a family of her own now.. :) fr the bottom of my heart..
Same goes for my Min sis..i sincerely hope she will be happy w what she has now.. n feel loved.
Its time for me to do the same, n i hope i get the same blessings from my dearest frens too..

My dream

Now is 5am. I woke up crying fr my dream. 原来mimi lim

也不知道all these are not within her control.还天真的以为她能handle.我也以为我可以control my emotions and hold back.but I'm really wrong,v v wrong, I'm afraid all these are jus a brave pretense, jus like my dream. I can't do it. I'm really afraid of losing my Mimi lim. The dream is so real like. It was real like. In the dream u told me to look at u ride the motorbike game. U r ridin w her n that I can look fr far 1st before I join u on 2nd round. I told u not necessary to go 2nd round w me cos after the 1st round, ull b dead tired. U can go ahead w her. U insisted that u can handle it and n asjed me to wait for u. Though I tOld u I dun intend to see n play, I hid fr far lOokin at u havin fun, wanting to share the joy n support u. I was actually so lookin fwd to my turn. 

However in my dream, it turns out that u hv disappointed me. U were tired n cannot bring me on to the 2nd round u promised. She doesn't allow u to pillion me like u do for her too. U tried explaining to me but I was jus too devastated when the truth is placed before me. I cried as I ran down the stairs of flight. U were running hard after me too. 4th floor, 3rd floor, coming to 2nd floor u slowed down ur pace n finally took a different direction fr me without reaching 1st floor. This is reality or isn't just my dream? I woke up suddenly. In my dream I was crying hard. I woke up crying too. Which is seldom cos I usually would only tear n woke up fr dreams.. Feelin v sad now. I tink tis is real. HOw long can I put up w all these? How long can I deceive myself n put up w my own pretense. I'm tired le.. Im still so naive n stupid, even in my dreams.. Pls tell me wat I Shld do.. I dun wana lose her.. But I guess it's not up to me to say n decide. 

Jus before I slept earlier, I was still Tinkin I was actually touched by wat she said in her watsapp, that she has never thought if losing this kinship between me n her. Y m I dreaming wat I dreamt then? Pray that everything will be like wat I wished for. 心想事成。

most apt

17.11.12

Stayed over at Mimi's Plc on Friday. Happy yet dunno how to describe the feelin. I hope we can still be the same us. However every now and then im kinda reminded of our watsapp. Is that person unhappy w my sis cos I stayed over? Is my sis unhappy cos of of my stay over? Y she always says that person 'might' or 'allow' her to meet? I wana know yet doesn't wana ask.But i tink they are happy together.. I hope we are happy always. I hope Mimi is happy too. Whole day w May n Sharon n frens. Should be v occupied and enjoyable de..But y m i tinkin of wat she is doin n whether she is happy now? Hope she is. Missing her in my plans.

Dreams.. Hopes..

Dreams and Hopes are all that keep us going.. What happens if they are gone? 

wishing for happiness

If you really love someone, u want them to be happy, even not with u..

My dear Fren is making a lot of effort. She watsapp me n calls me to chat. She mus b worried abt me. I can't let her know I'm not well. I mus let her know I'm ok. N that I'm strong. For her sake. 

I haven been able to eat well. Lost of appetite. This is even serious den past few times of experiences. My wt went fr 46.5 to now 41.8. Wat is happening to me? Shld be the food poisoning that contributes to the bulk of it. Nothin to do w my mood. I hope to get well soon. Pls let us be happy once again. 

Dunno..

I can't help but read n re-read our watsapp this morning. Mimi lim mus hv spent the whole night composing such a long MSG to me. Y suddenly? Did that person requested her to do something if not they will not be together? Y suddenly msg me to apologize, to tell me that the person know abt our past and that she'll do her best to correct the mistake? Izit a hint for me? Izit bcos my fren is at her wits end too?To tell me that I shldnt be expecting so much from her from now on? U keep tellin me freq reduced, she cannot stomach the idea of ex Slpin beside u.why is she bringing up all these past which none of us wish to touch on for yrs? Y is she here to jeopardize our wonderful frenship for yrs?! Does she knows abt ber n u? If she did wld she Oso request u not to talk to her and not be as close to her? Y is she dictating u? Y is she controlling u? Or is this ur wish too? I'm at a confused state.. I cannot tink right. A moment I tink we r still the same, nothin changes and nothing will change.another moment i am afraid that we can no longer be the same like before. W another person in ur life, it has turned everything upside down. This is the least I wld expect fr u, fr ur relationship. I nvr knew u gg into relationship wld means me having to get out of ur life. Is she the right person for u Fren? Of cos only u know n time will tell. I only hope all these u've done for her is worth while. she will be the one who can bring u happiness. I know I'm not the one and can never be. I dun wish to leave u. Tell me wat I Shld do? Wat Shld I do? Pls take care of my bois.. they r still by ur side,protecting u the same on behalf of me.jus that u can't see. I trust u. I do so completely. Tell me wats more to come for me.

14.11.2012 I'm too used to having u as part of plans all the time~

Thanks for finally telling me. Though I wished it was a face to face but I tink u find it difficult to tell me in person. U know I won't b able to control n will definitely cry. Yes I cried for a gd 2hrs+ in bed. Sorry that u were affected at such timing, at work. Hope u were able to hold back ur tears. I definitely trust that u will try to handle the situation. Nobody will lose each other. Thanks for giving me the assurance. I'm v happy u did that. I know u r doing ur best to protect me again. I know u love me as much as I do too. But I hv no wish to let u into a difficult position. I'm jus disappointed that things turn out this way.. These are things we cannot control.. U always say, if I can't change, u will. Mayb it's time I do something for u. Though I do not wish to do it, I'm given no choice. Can we really be the same w another person in your life now?  Of cos I wld love to go out w u, dinner, slp over, share ur joy n everything. I thought this will b forever, till we are old. I'm still v naive at my age. Ah bing, if not for urself, pls tink more for others. For ur dearest mimi lim. She wldnt want all these to happen if given a choice. I know she wldnt. But she cannot control. Pls help her. U can do it. For her sake.. Pls do wat u can do for her so long she is happy. Even if it means ull b unhappy n sad. She's worth it. U mus do so.

I love u too much to let go. Ull forever be my dearest sis, my Mimi lim

challenges

Im physically and mentally challenged..

penning down my wkend..

My fren has acc me to where i wana go to over the wkend!
After Ber's hse warming, we left around 6pm to JP for dinner and to shop for heels @ mitju.
Afterwhich, we had Crystal Jade..she has a gd appetite. Im happy to see that!
I went to her place to stay over..initially i was apprehensive if i wana n should stay.. Y? Cos that person slept on the bed before.. Y? Cos im afriad that person might appear on Sun and i wld need to go back home in a rush like im some kind of mistress.. Luckily nothing of the sort. Im glad. My Mimi Lim has protected me well.. I has a gd nite slp..she was not really though..(kinda difficulties in breathing) Tink cos she was unwell..
The nex sun morning, we woke up fresh n happy! She brot me to Mac for breakie..Thx so much.! U rem! :)We spent the day in the room, a relaxing sun..and after that, she bot me to Clementi for dinner @ fish n co. Hearty dinner w no disturbance.. Im curious, yet i chose not to ask,, y that person was not free. I chose to believe that you jus wana spend some time w me, before u have no time for me anymore when you fully conc on that person..I appreciate what you have done for me..n definately treasured every bit of the time i spent w u. I know its time for me to say gd bye,,but i was reluctant and requested to stay for another nite(thick skinned)
I bid gd bye to Ah boi.(the next morning) i know it gonna be away for awhile before i will see him again. i took a few pics of the room which i have stayed wkends after wkends for years.. i kept all my bois away.in a safe place.. i was once again reluctant to leave..i spent a gd 2hrs doing nothin, jus reminiscing. I'm so gonna miss everything, the time spent, the feeling, u and all and all.. V sad, but i should be contented.. Im gonna leave u for awhile for u to search for ur happiness my fren, my dear sis. In pursuit of ur happiness, pls do not forget me n continue to miss me.cos i will definately miss u dearly..i promise <3>

Love

I jus read thru the posts i had from 2007 till date..i realised i actually love her so much, as much..ever since she became my sis. I hope my love (sis's kind) for her will be as strong, 10, 20, 30 yrs and forever down the road. Please don't disappoint me..show me you are worth wat i'm doin for u.. I'll show u i'm worth your love and protection (sis's) for me too.


**y m i feelin insecured? afriad, i m**

12.11.12

My sis jus told me that this person she likes cannot accept that we are this close. What should be a normal person's reaction? How should my reaction be like? My sis can give me all the reassurance, but I tink it's gonna be hard on my poor sis. What kind of person will demand such atrocious request? Its like tellin ur someone that i cannot be with you if you still have a pair of parents..cos i have bad experience with in laws.. Or like I cannot stand dog, so pls send ah boi to SPCA if you wana be with me?! Shouldnt love be i love you, n i will love who u love.. 爱屋及乌? Before we know each other, we alr dislike each other. The feelin is mutual i guess..I'll make myself scarce. I dont wana my sis to give me the feelin that I'm a hindrance to her anymore.. I dun wana have that same kind of terrible feelin i had years back..that i'm unwanted by her..that she does not need me in her life to share her joy..I have had enough.I 'm too old for all these over again. This person jus reminded me of Yvo.. I'm incomparable to a person whom she knows for only a few months..irony~
Hope this person will treat my sis gd. My sis will still be my dearest mimi lim regardless wat happen, no matter how she treats me. N i love her so.

9.11.12

I'm unhappy.. I dunno wat to do..

Thoughts on 6.11.12

I thought to myself 

I'm unhappy cos I expected too much

I've over estimated myself 

It's all me n my feeling that I causing all these sadness n unpleasantness 

She is not responsible for it

Rather she has done her best to protect me (I'm glad n grateful)

I'll do my best too to protect her n let her be happy 

I'll still wait for her to tell me abt it 

She will talk to me when ready.. 

相信你只是怕伤害我，不是骗我

很爱过谁会舍得

把我的梦摇醒了，宣布幸福不会来了

用心酸微笑去原谅了，也翻Y越过

有昨天还是好的

但明天是自己的

开始懂了

快乐是选择

U

Y?